The Trigger
I recently watched the movie — 12th Fail. The story deeply moved me, and I thought of writing something about it. However, I found that there was a more important question waiting for an answer. Let me describe the scene that led to this post.
At a critical juncture of the movie, one of the actors asks the protagonist to write something about himself in a fixed time. The protagonist, Manoj Kumar Sharma, says the topic is easy. The other actor challenges him to write 200 words on himself in 8 minutes 30 seconds. Manoj struggles to write even 100 words in the time allotted.
This scene made me realize that self-knowledge is an important aspect of life. I also realized that even I would be unable to write 200 words about myself if I were asked to do so without preparation.
Who am I?
I felt I had to write this down for my own sake, if not for the sake of others.
The Negative List
Before describing myself, I brainstormed all external pointers that cannot define a person. Your job, routine, hobbies, reading feats, interests, political ideology, TV shows, or travel experiences can’t define you as a person. They might reveal something about your interests or what excites you, but they don’t provide definitive answers about you. Anybody can acquire these things if they put in some effort.
Virtues possessed by a person can define them to some extent. Truthful, curious, understanding, patient, and thoughtful people can exist everywhere. But one needs to test these virtues under different circumstances. If you torture a truthful person for 100 days in a cell, he might agree to tell a few lies to get out.
Having eliminated all these extrinsic factors, I somehow struggled to characterise myself in words. Stripped from all books, hobbies, job descriptions, experiences, positive or negative traits, where do I stand?
At this point, one might say these are the things that define me or any individual. Let me park that thought.
Know Thyself
After thinking for several hours and learning more about myself through my therapy sessions, I have come up with a few points to explain who I am.
[Restructured on 24 July 2024]
Loving Human
I would say that I am a loving human who desires to improve things around him. I am the servant of the thought that everyone can be the best version of themselves.
If provided a chance, I will do anything to create conditions that facilitate this in the lives of people who are important to me. That doesn’t mean I have “Bob the Builder” syndrome. I don’t want to fix everyone and everything.
Driven by emotions
Though I profess to be rational, most of my actions are driven by emotions (mostly positive ones). My rationality dances around my emotions and not the other way around.
Has some traits mentioned in the poem If
I would not say I embody the essence of Rudyard Kipling’s poem “If”, though I subconsciously strive to be the person he described. But I think, I already fit into the traits described in that poem to some extent.
Has a conscience
I never do things against my conscience and inherent sense of justice. I don’t tell lies on important issues, but sometimes, I twist the truth to make the reality palatable to the other person or myself.
Tries to be a man of his words
Though I may not comply 100%, I am a man of my word. 80-90% compliance would probably make me proud because the circumstances and actions of the other person might change the situation.
People generally trust my words and treat them as certainities or facts. Of course, I shall call out my opinions upfront.
Irrational in Love
I am irrational in love. I almost end up worshipping the person I love. But I am also confident enough to walk away if that love is not respected and acknowledged.
Maybe I also need to wait for reciprocation before going too deep. But I still believe love is the most divine feeling that must be felt and experienced without ifs and buts.
Loves problem solving
I’ve learnt that I love solving problems. My mind is happy as long as it has interesting problems to solve.
I love hard problems that help me grow and become a better problem solver.
Willing to accept flaws and work on them
Of course, I am not perfect. I make mistakes. But I acknowledge them, take full responsibility and improve daily.
Is learning how to value himself
Therapy also helped me realize that I didn’t love and respect myself enough. I had not accepted myself as I was.
I was trying to earn love from people who had no intention of seeing my worth. This has come to a stop. I’ve finally started asserting my needs in all areas of life.
Wants to be immortal and cool
As a child, I wanted to be immortal. I wanted people to remember me as a hero even after I was gone. I was inspired by big names in cinema and public life and tried to imitate them.
Of course, I was a performative attention seeker. But I no longer am.
I still desire to be immortal. But I’ve not yet found the path to immortality. Maybe the path will find me. Till then, I need to be my hero.
When I wake up and see myself in the mirror, I must feel that I am an awesome person who has (and is) done (and is still doing) amazing, fun, and good things in his life.