One of the most transformational things I have done with myself is accepting that I needed therapy. After a string of failed relationships, I sought the help of a therapist to understand what was wrong with me.
I must confess that I am scared as I write this post because I am being vulnerable to an audience that I don’t even know. But, I think it is my responsibility to create awareness about this.
In addition, I also want to highlight that therapy is not a viable solution if you are not willing to do the hard work. It is like a tool given to a sculptor. Everything depends on how you use it.
After a year of these sessions, which I have attended every week, I realised that four fundamental questions were being explored. I use the word ‘explored’ rather than ‘answered’ because there is no single answer to these questions.
How can I accept myself without putting breaks on my growth as a person?
What is love and what does it mean to me? What kind of love should be acceptable?
How can I be a compassionate person without neglecting my own needs?
Is there a way to manage all my emotions, face them head-on and still function effectively and be successful?
Accepting Oneself
I can track down every problem or mistake I have made to just one root cause. I was unable to accept myself. This is a simple sentence but has serious ramifications. It is also a layered question because, one can ask a question like — can a murderer accept himself/herself? Of course not.
Accepting oneself is all about exploring your entire history, your current scenario and where you wish to go. There are parts of yourself, including desires which may not sit well in your head. Or it might contradict with your values or the societal values. For example, you might not like your shyness or your nose.
Few things can be changed, like shyness. But not your nose, unless you are willing to go through a surgery. Thankfully, body dysmorphia is clearly not a problem with me, but I would like to lose the little tummy I have.
Accepting oneself is not an act of giving up. It is not a ploy to bring stagnation and prevent pain. Accept oneself is a safe spot from where you can grow in a healthy manner while maintaining your self-respect and dignity.
Comparison
The second major barrier to self-acceptance is comparison. The comparison can happen inside your head or someone else might make you feel inferior because of this.
Both are equally damaging if they are done with bad intent. But, it’s the responsibility of the individual to process this comparison in a constructive and psychologically safe environment.
If someone is smarter than you, then you can either feel jealous or work towards improving yourself. It’s important to feel safe and secure while doing this, or else, this exercise will produce bad results.
External Love is Unreliable
Love is a very complex topic. It means different things to different people. This doesn’t have to mean that the people involved have to degrade themselves to become loveable. But it is not a pure transaction either.
The impermanence of external love is a brutal truth. Even if you find a soulmate who gives this precious feeling to you throughout your life, you will be separated by death, unless both lovers die simultaneously.
The best thing one can do is to love oneself and accept oneself before bringing another person into this equation. The other reliable way to manage this hydra-headed monster is to distribute this emotion to as many people as possible. Humans are capable of infinite love.
So, when you lose one person you will have this positive influence in your life from multiple other sources. However, don’t mistake this statement as an endorsement of non-monogamous relationships. It’s an entirely different topic.
Compassion and Boundaries
You need to erect boundaries before showering compassion. Put on your mask before helping others. It’s as simple as that. You can draw meaningful boundaries only if you accept yourself and love yourself.
If either of these conditions are not met, your compassion will become an instrument of self-torture rather than a positive trait. The more you love yourself and the more you respect yourself, you will grow faster. As a result of this you will develop a larger heart that is capable of more compassion towards others.
You can’t indulge in charity with empty pockets. It’s as simple as that. Be compassionate towards yourself before distributing it to others.
Staying in Touch with Your Emotions
Staying in touch with emotions doesn’t mean that you need to be over-dramatic. It is about feeling all sorts of emotions and expressing them to yourself and your loved ones. Showing these emotions everywhere can be counter-productive. It can also be weaponised against you by bad actors.
I did the mistake of taking stoic philosophy to its extreme and denied myself the right to feel and express my own emotions. I killed them before they could appear before my eyes. I failed to acknowledge difficult emotions even when I was alone. This is not helpful. In fact it is very dangerous.
These emotions work on their accord anyway. They can go out of control and reappear in different manners without your own knowledge. To accept emotions, tend to them and soothe them is an act of bravery. It takes a lot of courage to see them in the eye. Once you do that, you can handle everything thrown at you.
A Good Therapist
Finding a good therapist is a key decision if you plan to start therapy. And it is worth every penny spent if you can find a good therapist.
‘A good therapist’ is again a subjective phrase. Let me clarify this.
A good therapist listens to you without judgement. He/she does not force you to do things, but nudges you towards improvement. They aid your self-exploration.
The end result is in your hands alone. However, a good therapist does not condone your bad behaviour and become an enabler in the destruction of oneself or others.
With a good therapist, you see yourself growing emotionally and develop self-awareness. This knowledge will help you answer all gnawing issues within yourself and bring peace. All of this is conditional, of course.
If the patient doesn’t want to be healed no doctor can help. So take this with a pinch of salt.
Emotional Gym
These are my broad learnings from my therapy sessions. I think I have made massive progress and the climate in my own mind has stabilised to a very large extent.
I continue therapy in spite of the normalcy because mental health is constant work. It’s like emotional gym. You gotta put in the reps.