“When we are young, we invent different futures for ourselves; when we are old, we invent different pasts for others.”
Julian Barnes, The Sense of a Beginning
Control/Freedom Ratio
I don’t like drama. But I have the propensity for theatrics. My preferred role is that of a director. But more often than not the people whom I want to control end up dancing to their own tunes. I have come to terms with this.
The perfect ratio of control and freedom is different for different people. It requires careful calibration. And I’ve learnt this skill not out of choice but out of compulsion. Because I want the drama to go on in spite of my desire for control.
The same happened with Half Walks Edition 12, when I was given an opportunity to drive a walk. I caught a good idea from the storm of thoughts that engulf my brain on a continuous basis.
But the storm never stops. I wanted to attend Papon’s concert as well when someone offered a ticket. I grabbed it. But then I gave up the idea as I had to discharge my responsibility as the walk leader. Principles over feelings— that has been a hallmark of all my choices.
On the same day, my boss gave me a call and one thing led to another. It ended up in a very long mail in my inbox. I fixed the problem by seeking cooperation of my teammates. The urge to reply and fix it immediately was overcome by the desire to stay in the moment and not worry about too many things.
In spite of this I wrote a brief well thought mail to douse the fire. And thankfully I think that the fire is now under control.
Inventing Futures: An Algorithm
When we started the walk at Alka’s I was a bit doubtful whether I could hold the attention of a crowd. So I had rehearsed my thoughts several times. But in reality it was just improv, though my mental rehearsals helped to some extent.
But I did get a chance to articulate what goes on in my head when I draft a perception of an individual when I interact with him/her/them.
I’m generally trying to gauge three things when I judge a person.
The unique gift or skill they have
Their deepest insecurities
Amount of risk they’re willing to take
An assessment of these three things can define the trajectory of an individual and the peak they can reach in their lives. That is the running theory in my head, one that I have applied to myself before anyone else.
Knocking on the Heart’s Door
It was strange that I was apparently leading a walk to place I had never visited. It’s like charting out your career without knowing how things can unfold.
Metaphorically beautiful.
But I trusted that my friends would handle that bit as they knew the place quite well. Mindful delegation. Same as me delegating unknown variables to gods.
The walk was based on two quotes from the book ‘The Sense of an Ending’. But I called it ‘The Sense of a Beginning’ because I felt that people who read the book and reflected on their own personal history could make a fresh beginning.
The thought, no matter how idealistic it was, worked on me quite effectively. I was re-reading the book after seven years. Things that had traversed in the last one and a half year, and my own interpretation of those events took new shape as I read the book.
I started wondering whether I had behaved like Tony or Adrian during several junctures of the eventful phase that had passed. Though I could trace a few parallels here and there I realised I had been acting in sync with my own set of principles. I felt good about myself.
We had banter. Of course individuals had a lot to say about things which were not on my agenda. Samosas and Jalebis did enter a ‘pub walk’. We also ended up singing carelessly at a bar instead of philosophising about the big ideas listed in my plan.
But surely, the ideas which formed the foundation of the walk knocked on the doors of the participants’ hearts. Whether they break in and cause a transformation or not is out of my control.
But giving it a try, taking a risk, betting on fate, and trusting something will work out, has always been a good idea in my experience.
I was glad to know that people who joined this walk had some fun, found an opportunity to explore powerful literature, and closely read the unfolding story of their own existence.
“What did I know of life, I who had lived so carefully? Who had neither won nor lost, but just let life happen to him? Who had the usual ambitions and settled all too quickly for them not being realised? Who avoided being hurt and called it a capacity for survival? Who paid his bills, stayed on good terms with everyone as far as possible, for whom ecstasy and despair soon became just words once read in novels? One whose self-rebukes never really inflicted pain? Well, there was all this to reflect upon, while I endured a special kind of remorse: a hurt inflicted at long last on one who always thought he knew how to avoid being hurt—and inflicted for precisely that reason.”
― Julian Barnes, The Sense of an Ending