The Scales Have Tipped
A note about how my feelings have evolved this year
This year I was at intense war with myself on a very specific issue. Should I give importance to someone else’s view of me or should I stand my ground?
Which story carries more weight and why?
Does this have something to do with truth or self-belief?
Binaries
I am not sure it was a binary choice as one can always say it is. There was a blend of both. Thoughts supporting both sides were moving the respective sides of the scale. The scales tipped on either side as more facts flowed.
As I learnt more about myself, the scale conclusively titled towards one idea.
That is —my own perception of myself holds more value. Believing in any other idea would be akin to inflicting injustice upon myself.
Not just that.
The only perception of me that matters is the one I hold. And one that can be supported by concrete objective evidence and facts.
Whatever flows into the domain of interpretation or projection by others doesn’t count. Of course, there’s so much to be read in between the lines.
But as the year passed, I feel I’ve finally seen massive blind spots that were not discovered. The reason for neglecting them or lack of curiosity about such blind spots were also discovered.
And the process leading to this was not linear or planned.
I sat and watched this unfold as a spectator and participated as an actor. In the process, I tended to my emotions with a lot of care. I’ve never done this before.
Breaking the Wall
It felt as if I had broken a wall that I had built unknowingly. It was broken gradually. After the demolition, there’s a new view of myself. In fact, this new view is visible to others as well.
This breakthrough has opened several paths or rooms in my own universe, helping me access new parts of myself.
Surprisingly, the competitive and analytical side of me is not eager to jump and quantify (or qualitatively evaluate) this year in terms of achievements and failures. I don’t see myself this way anymore.
That doesn’t somehow translate into some sort of complacence or disinterest in my career and other important things.
In fact, it has given me a better way to manage it in a way that is more aligned to my personality while meeting all my expectations from each area of life.
The scales have tipped and I’ve finally evolved into a version more aligned with who I want to be.