सुब्रह्मण्येन रक्षितोऽहम्
अष्टादश लोचनाखण्डेन
subrahmaNyEna rakshitO(a)haM
ashTA-daSa lOcanAkhaNDEna
I am protected by Subramanya,
the all-pervading one with eighteen eyes
Chosen vs Blessed
To feel that you are the chosen one can be empowering. But the courage acquired when you somehow believe that you’re blessed is an entirely different feeling.
This does two things to an individual
Gives energy to try new things and fail
Soothes the heart when things go south
I dunno if Steve Jobs felt this way when he was thrown out of Apple. It is the best comeback story on earth.
I never thought I am capable of reaching great heights or suffer pain and humiliation, (deserved or undeserved). The former is yet to happen, but the latter has already been tasted in my 31st year. This was a turning point where I rediscovered the value of the song ‘Subramanyena Rakshitoham’.
The Ledger Balance
For almost two and a half decades I felt invincible
Was a favourite child at home and school
Did well in milestone exams
Got into a great undergrad institute
Sailed through my first interview
Gained confidence after getting my first job
I think the list of failures should be noted as a way to bring myself down to the earth
Failed to secure admission to my preferred MS courses
Could not become a big time journalist as I once wished to become
Did not qualify for UPSC prelims in spite of multiple attempts.
For some random reason I did not do well in the real GMAT thrice.
Terribly failed in romantic pursuits.
But none of this made me hopeless. I saw it as an elimination process where I realised that the abilities I thought I had were not good enough to make it.
Though I do attribute GMAT failures to external disturbances on the day I took the test, I don’t regret any of the other failures. All of this built some sort of resistance to failure and made me feel that I showed up and tried.
What I had not felt was absolute despair and self-hatred. I did not know what it looked like. This was inevitable given the kind of insecurities and neglect I had endured as a child. The balance was mounting and had to peak at some point. But my goal chasing spree had somehow postponed the chapter by almost a decade.
I felt the exact opposite of being “chosen” for a few months. I felt like trash and unwanted. I fell in my own eyes and could not understand why things had gone so low. But the tenacity built over the years kicked in. I explored the problem and the feeling from all possible angles.
My raw feelings were acknowledged. I stopped suppressing them for the sake of more ‘important’ priorities. I found out that I lacked strong boundaries and didn’t advocate for myself in close relationships, friendships or family dynamics.
The Fire
My survival instincts and aesthetic tastes took over in spite of the bleak clouds that had shrouded over me. They fought on their own without any additional effort on my part. It was unreal and unbelievable. That is the moment when I truly realised that there is an external force of nature rooting for me.
I felt this ‘force’ when the song ‘Subrahmanyena Rakshitoham’ played on my music system while I was driving on the roads leading to Lodhi Garden on a pleasant March afternoon.
It was a moment where I felt if I can endure this phase, then nothing would be too hard. Faith didn’t come out of thin air. It was probably built up over the years. But I could not articulate this faith and optimism in substantial terms.
My younger self would have called this brand of optimism a borderline voodoo delusion. But this is the kind of delusion that has always worked for me. It has always worked in the background like a silent operating system.
How was it installed? Who wrote this code? These questions are immaterial. Maybe I will have answers for that too, someday. But right now, all I need is faith. Not only in myself but also in the fire that has forged this faith. I have no clue what I will or won't do because of this fire. It could burn me as well.
At least at this moment it feels as if it is fueling me everyday. It is helping me live authentically. It is adding meaning to everything I do. The fire has hardcoded optimism and realism into my psyche.
I know when to press the pedal, when to cruise and when to hit the breaks. It’s really abstract, but I know it is working in my favor, irrespective of events that have unfolded so far.
The totem pole that reminds me of this fire is the song ‘Subramanyena Rakshitoham’. I made no real efforts to understand each line of this song, in spite of the mystical impact it has over me. It is high time.
The Meaning
प्रब्रवाम-आदि पूजित पदेन
पुरन्दर मन-उल्लास करणेन
prabra vAmAdi pUjita padEna
purandara manOllAsa karaNEna
The one whose feet are worshipped with the mantras "pra-bra-va"
The causer of delight to the heart of Indra (Purandara)
कङ्क शैल विहारेण वरेण
वल्ली देव सेना रमणेन
kanka Saila vihArENa varENa
vallI dEva sEnA ramaNEna
The one sporting in Kazhugumalai (Kanka Saila)
The eminent one who gives joy to Valli and Devasena
अकार वृत्तेन सानन्देन
भोग मोक्ष प्रदानेन नित्येन
akAra vRttEna sAnandEna
bhOga mOksha pradAnEna nityEna
The one manifesting as the letter "a". The blissful one
The eternal giver of worldly pleasures and salvation
वेङ्कटेश्वर सु-पूजितेन
विचित्र विशाख महा-उत्सवेन
vEnkaTESvara su-pUjitEna
vicitra viSAkha mahA-utsavEna
The one worshipped as Venkateswara (remover of sins)
The one who celebrates the special festival on the day of Visakha
शुक रहस्य प्रकाश गुरु गुहेन
कृत्तिका सुत शुद्ध धन्येन
Shuka rahasya prakASa guru guhEna
kRttikA suta Suddha dhanyEna
Guruguha, who expounds the Shuka-Rahasya Upanishad,
The blessed son of Krittika, who is pure and blessed
Source : Perplexity and Shivkumar.org