Self / Sabotage
When you turn into your worst enemy
Duryodhana
जानामि धर्मं न च मे प्रवृत्तिः. जानाम्य् अधर्मं न च मे निवृत्तिः ।
त्वया हृषीकेश हृदि स्थितेन यथा नियुक्तो ऽस्मि तथा करोमि ॥
jānāmi dharmaṃ na ca me pravṛttiḥ jānāmy adharmaṃ na ca me nivṛttiḥ.
tvayā hṛṣīkeśa hṛdi sthitena yathā niyukto 'smi tathā karomi
I know what dharma is (=righteousness), yet I cannot get myself to follow it! I know what adharma is, yet I cannot retire from it!
O Lord of the senses! You dwelt in my heart and I will do as you impel me to do.
If you are not aware of Mahabharata, these are the words of Duryodhana spoken to Lord Krishna. It is a confession of the person’s incorrigible behaviour. Duryodhana is a villain in the story (if you have literally no clue about the myth).
Self-Sabotaging Patterns
I listened to this podcast while driving to Gurugram on a Sunday morning. And this set me off on a series of thoughts.
I was reminded of the verses at the beginning of this post. They were taught during my Sanskrit classes in grade X. I am not sure why it has stayed. And I am unable to forget the face of my Sanskrit teacher. He was an RSS guy who hated Gandhi and taught us the prayer before lunch everyday. His Sanskrit knowledge was quite deep.
I was able to respect him in spite of nasty things he said about Mahatma Gandhi. If I was a teenager from this era I would have cancelled him. But, as I grow older I have made space for everyone’s flaws.
For almost a year, I was unable to do these three things.
Quitting smoking
Stopping thoughts about my ex or stalking her social media
Resuming workouts at Cult Fit.
The three seemed interrelated.
Smoking and Love
Because I thought I failed so terribly in love and felt that I had hurt the person I cared for, I couldn’t focus at work. Since I could not focus, I thought cigarettes could help me focus.
It kinda helped me.
Later I realised that my mistakes paled in front of the terrible ways I had allowed the other person to treat me during the long period where I had made no mistake.
I realised the meaning of guilt trips, manipulation, trauma and silent treatment.
I felt quite stupid. In spite of all these feelings I felt like checking whether she was ok or not. Of course, this doesn’t absolve me from my mistake. But it does put things in perspective.
Even after I had figured out my emotions, I continued to smoke because the loop had already been created.
Grief, Curiosity and Slumber
A bit of jealousy and curiosity also made me try to find who’s the new victim at the hands of this terrible individual.
The cycle of complex emotions of grief, shame, guilt and the feeling of stupidity made me lazy and lose interest in my health, physique and looks. I grew a tummy and stopped attending fitness classes.
I overslept, over-smoked and became a shell of my former self.
I was probably behaving like Duryodhana in Mahabharata. I knew the right answers. I knew the solutions and the root cause.
But I was simply unable to execute my thoughts. I felt as if a demon had taken over me and I was cursed forever.
Even though I spoke about it with a therapist and made plans to start doing the right things, I failed repeatedly.
Redemption Arc?
But I didn’t give up.
I kept on revisiting the fact that I am precious and I have so many unfinished plans to work on in my life. I realised these self-sabotaging patterns indicate that I didn’t respect myself enough.
These actions indicated that I didn’t love myself and I had not accepted myself. How could others respect and accept me when I can’t do it for myself?
This led me to work on new ideas.
Starting a writing community (Prose Pandas).
Started a podcast (Hands Up!).
Made more friends, and hung out with them more often.
Went on road trips (Vrindavan and Jaipur)
Ran a 10K (Delhi Half Marathon)
I continued doing old things as well
Doing well at work.
Writing regularly on my blog.
Cooking at home.
Reading books
Attended weekly therapy sessions.
All of this felt like progress. But still, the three problems — smoking, stalking and slumber — continued.
They worsened during winter before things became better.
Stopping self-sabotage was a long process of letting go of several smaller self-sabotaging behaviors before I could address the bigger issues.
At this very moment, I seem to have made substantial progress on two out of three items.
No smoking for 18 days (and counting)
I have worked out for five consecutive days last week.
On the third point I don’t feel emotionally entangled. I don’t feel a dying urge to know. But it would be dishonest to say I’m not curious.
Anyway, this feels like amazing progress. And it feels like I have dropped deadweight. Hopefully I can continue this streak forever.