Regret Without Taking Responsibility
Some thoughts about a poem by Muztar Khairabadi
I came across a random reel on Instagram tonight. In the short clip, Farhan Akhtar recites a poem by his great-grandfather, Muztar Khairabadi. It sounded melodious and deep.
Though I could pick up a few words, I could not fully understand the poem's meaning. So, I searched for a proper translation of the same. Since I failed, I used ChatGPT to find the meaning. Surprisingly, it did a great job. However, I delved a bit deeper into the meanings of these words.
So, in the post, I put together the video, the proper translation of the poem, and my thoughts on the same. Pardon me if any of my interpretations or comments are incorrect (or insensitive).
न किसी की आँख का नूर हूँ न किसी के दिल का क़रार हूँ
कसी काम में जो न आ सके मैं वो एक मुश्त-ए-ग़ुबार हूँ
I am not the light of anyone's eyes, nor the peace of anyone's heart.
I am like a handful of dust that serves no purpose.
I am curious about the mood of the poet here. He probably set out to mean something to somebody, but he ended up as a useless entity, making him feel worthless. Why and how? There’s no explanation.
न दवा-ए-दर्द-ए-जिगर हूँ मैं न किसी की मीठी नज़र हूँ मैं
न इधर हूँ मैं न उधर हूँ मैं न शकेब हूँ न क़रार हूँ
I am not the cure for heartache, nor am I a sweet gaze for anyone.
I am neither here nor there, neither the morning star nor peace.
He seems to be stuck in limbo. Maybe he intended to have a positive impact on his surroundings. The poet is probably repeating the intent of his first two lines but does so in a more persuasive tone.
मिरा वक़्त मुझ से बिछड़ गया मिरा रंग-रूप बिगड़ गया
जो ख़िज़ाँ से बाग़ उजड़ गया मैं उसी की फ़स्ल-ए-बहार हूँ
My time has separated from me, my color and form have deteriorated.
The garden that bloomed with flowers is now devastated, but here I arrive as spring
In these lines, the poet sounds hopeless and feels out of place and out of time. He regrets that time has done him, and he has no energy left.
पए फ़ातिहा कोई आए क्यूँ कोई चार फूल चढ़ाए क्यूँ
कोई आ के शम्अ' जलाए क्यूँ मैं वो बेकसी का मज़ार हूँ
Why should someone hold a funeral recital, why should someone offer flowers?
Why should someone come and light a candle, I am the tomb of helplessness.
It looks like he is on his deathbed, full of regrets. These regrets can’t be undone, and hence, he punishes himself with a funeral of no consequence. The poet’s voice calls for sympathy but doesn’t explain what he did to land in such a position. But we must admit that sometimes, there is no explanation for certain events.
न मैं लाग हूँ न लगाव हूँ न सुहाग हूँ न सुभाव हूँ
जो बिगड़ गया वो बनाव हूँ जो नहीं रहा वो सिंगार हूँ
I am neither an attachment nor an inclination, neither a happy marriage nor a good nature.
I am the result of what has gone wrong, I am the decoration that no longer exists.
Somehow, one is inclined to believe that the poet was an admired man who had lost his sheen. He is neither loved nor cared for by the person whose love he had sought. Something must have gone wrong, but the reader is not told about the problem in exact terms.
मैं नहीं हूँ नग़्मा-ए-जाँ-फ़ज़ा मुझे सुन के कोई करेगा क्या
मैं बड़े बिरोग की हूँ सदा मैं बड़े दुखी की पुकार हूँ
I am not the melody of a sweet song; who will care to listen to me?
I am the cry of great sorrow;
The poet’s self-loathing seems to be never-ending. Still, one is unclear about the causes. He feels that he is not heard or understood by anybody. The lack of any audience drives him to the abyss.
न मैं 'मुज़्तर' उन का हबीब हूँ न मैं 'मुज़्तर' उन का रक़ीब हूँ
जो बिगड़ गया वो नसीब हूँ जो उजड़ गया वो दयार हूँ
I am the call of profound misery. I , Muztar am neither his/her beloved, nor am I his/her rival.
I am the fate that has gone astray; I am the river that has dried up.
The poet introduces an unknown person here. It could most likely be a woman, but I don’t want to make assumptions. Maybe he has a saviour complex of sorts. The poet tried to save someone but instead hurt them unintentionally. There is no clear meaning that I can grasp with my limited imagination and knowledge of Urdu.
But surely, he blames the series of events on fate. The comparison to a dried-up river symbolises the end of his ability to nourish someone he wished to take care of. Or maybe it means something entirely different.
Though all of this sounds moving, I must say that the poet doesn’t take responsibility for his actions and begs for the audience's sympathy. If he owned up to his mistakes, he would have probably made peace with whatever has drowned him in profound sorrow. Hence, I call this poem a romantic way of expressing regret without taking responsibility for one’s actions.
Credits: rekhta.org for the Urdu text and ChatGPT for the English translation.