Reflections after reading— 'Notes from Underground'
Probably the most powerful novella I've read
A Summary
I would request the reader to watch this video before reading this post. This is a very good summary of the story without many spoilers. In fact there might be a couple, but that is immaterial as the crux of the story is not so dependent on the plot.
Sigh of Relief
In every man’s memories there are such things as he will reveal not to everyone, but perhaps only to friends. There are also such as he will reveal not even to friends, but only to himself, and that in secret. Then, finally, there are such as a man is afraid to reveal even to himself, and every decent man will have accumulated quite a few things of this sort.
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Notes from Underground
Among all the amazing quotes that I came across in Notes from Underground, this seems to be the most relevant in my context. It is true that I have a very clean image on the outside, but the book is a mirror to few memories that I wish I had not been a part of.
Though it is not advisable to have any similarity to the underground man who narrates the story, I did find some. And thankfully, these traits don’t define me anymore.
There was a time when I thought more than I acted. That was a sloppy phase.
During last few years I have been erring on the side of acting too fast. I have been acting more, that too impulsively, rather than overthinking stuff.
That has led to some negative consequences. But, I must happily report that I am hitting the sweet spot where I am thinking adequately and acting in the right direction within reasonable time frames.
I hated my school classmates and thought of them as inferior individuals.
Secondly, I have dropped my superiority complex because I have mentally checked out comparison/competition tendencies. I managed to accept myself as I am and not strive to portray myself as superior/inferior. I am who I am and nobody gets to define me.
I had a general hatred for the uncouth masses and annoyance over minor slights. But overcorrection in the other direction was also not a good thing.
I have developed great compassion for the masses, both rich and poor. I genuinely care for people and have space for their flaws. This has drastically improved my general mood and quality of life.
Optimism
The underground man accuses the reader of not knowing who he/she is. He also accuses them of not knowing about what is appropriate/inappropriate for him/her. The whole narrative and the author’s persona has literally shattered many readers. One of the Reddit members wrote this on the r/dostoevsky community.
Is there a cure for “notes from the underground” sickness?
While I have always been quite conscious, and well aware of all my shortcomings, reading this book has pushed me further into my own mind. I haven’t finished it but it just piles on to the hopelessness that I feel. I am a victim of my own unrelenting mind and I wonder if I could ever just turn it off (impossible). Anyone have an answer, or does Dostoyevsky provide any solace to this type of existence?
None of this applies to me. Because I am damn sure that I have tried everything that I wanted to, failed gracefully and restarted again. I have no regrets and I know who I am. The book tells me how life would have been if I had not lived authentically.
Even today, many people say that I am rude and too direct. Some say I am too serious. All of that is true. I am toning down and getting rid of those sharp edges.
But there are many people who like me because I can tell them things directly to their face without beating around the bush.
I am actually enjoying life. Every single day. I am able to do something I love and wake up to get ready for work enthusiastically.
And I feel really grateful that I don’t have to live like Dostoevsky’s underground man.