Narcissism and Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
My learnings about dangers of narcissism.
Narcissicism (noun): too much interest in and admiration for your own physical appearance and/or your own abilities. source: Cambridge Dictionary.
I knew the term ‘narcissism’ earlier. And I’ve severely misunderstood the term. I thought self-love and self-importance are sorta earned by the individual and it is not a big deal. That’s because narcissism has been deemed to be a trait of extremely successful people.
Steve Jobs, Narendra Modi and Elon Musk are three personalities who have narcissistic tendencies. In the past, I believed that it was not a major thing as they have earned their place in history. Now I don’t. It’s extremely dangerous even if the person is important and successful.
But, in reality, even losers can be narcissistic. This is a massive realisation. However, the traits of a narcissist don’t stop at self-admiration. My deeper research into this topic on Instagram and ChatGPT has rattled me.
Some of the important traits of a narcissist include:
Grandiosity: Narcissists often have an exaggerated sense of self-importance. They may constantly seek attention and admiration, believing they are superior to others.
Lack of empathy: Narcissists often have difficulty understanding or caring about the feelings and needs of others. They may exploit others for their gain without feeling remorse.
Sense of entitlement: Narcissists may believe they are entitled to special treatment or privileges without regard for others' rights or feelings.
Manipulative behaviour: Narcissists may manipulate others to get what they want, whether it's through charm, deceit, or coercion.
Envy and resentment: Despite their grandiose exterior, narcissists may harbour deep-seated feelings of envy and resentment towards others whom they perceive as better than them.
Fragile self-esteem: Beneath their outward confidence, narcissists often have fragile self-esteem and can be easily wounded by criticism or perceived slights.
Attention-seeking: Narcissists crave attention and validation from others and may go to great lengths to ensure they are the centre of attention in social situations.
Difficulty with criticism: Narcissists have a hard time accepting criticism or feedback, as it threatens their fragile self-image.
Boundary violations: Narcissists may have difficulty respecting other people's boundaries and may invade personal space, emotionally or physically.
Exploitative relationships: In relationships, narcissists may exploit others for their own needs and may struggle with genuine intimacy or emotional connection.
Source: ChatGPT
In addition to this, my personal experience corroborated by several mental health practitioners on Instagram are:
Lack of self-awareness.
Inability to take responsibility for their actions.
Blaming others for their problems. They are extremely good at guilt-tripping.
Never admit to a fault. Never apologise for their mistakes.
Always redirect criticism to the person who’s sharing it with positive intent.
Their actions never match their words (especially on important issues).
They never develop deep friendships.
They are surrounded by enablers who have a hard time maintaining relationships with the person in any capacity.
Extreme controlling behaviour.
They tend to call out on their flaws to prevent the other person from realising it.
Self- Examination
The first question that I ask myself is am I a narcissist? Of course, I am proud of my achievements and the story of how I overcame certain difficulties. But I have not attached any self-importance to myself above and beyond hard visible data to back up my self-love. Whenever I find that I am lacking in any area I have worked hard to overcome it.
I don’t think I lack empathy or feel entitled to things I have not earned. I don’t believe I am manipulative because I always try to find win-win scenarios even when I am trying to get someone to help me or do things for me. And often, I give back whatever I have received.
Envy is something that might be in me to a certain extent. But often it inspires me to take action and get the object that seems desirable through legitimate means.
Fragile self-esteem is not an issue, hopefully. But I recently realised that my mother has certain narcissistic tendencies which have turned me into a very agreeable and compromising person. I tend to please certain people for the sake of maintaining peace. My harsh reactions often come out when I am stressed or triggered by others’ bad behaviour.
I often try to stay in the shadows even if I’ve contributed something to a successful result. So, I hope attention-seeking issues are not a problem.
I don’t think I have violated any boundaries. At least not during normal times when no emotions or stress was involved. Even if I do, it is often without malicious intent. In addition to this self-reflection, I’ve asked many people if I have such tendencies. The feedback has been that I am rude at times, but of late, I have worked on my tone and communication to a certain extent.
The last topic, i.e. exploitative relationships is probably the most important one. My learnings about the narcissistic abuse cycle have shocked me to the core.
Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
The infographic below explains it succinctly. This had appeared in my Instagram feed. It was the starting point for my deep research into this phenomenon.
It’s amazing how this cycle can go on and on. The victims are not only traumatized by its impact, but they also develop such tendencies themselves. This is what I found from ChatGPT:
The impact of narcissistic abuse can be profound and long-lasting, affecting various aspects of an individual's life including their mental and emotional well-being, relationships, and overall sense of self. Here are some common effects:
Emotional trauma: Narcissistic abuse often leads to emotional trauma, causing feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Victims may struggle with intense emotions and have difficulty regulating their feelings.
Low self-esteem: Constant criticism, gaslighting, and manipulation from a narcissistic abuser can erode a victim's self-esteem, leading to feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and a diminished sense of self-worth.
Confusion and self-doubt: Narcissistic abuse often involves gaslighting, where the abuser manipulates the victim into questioning their own perceptions, memories, and sanity. This can leave victims feeling confused, helpless, and unsure of what is real.
Isolation: Narcissistic abusers may isolate their victims from friends, family, and support networks as a means of maintaining control. This isolation can exacerbate feelings of loneliness, alienation, and dependency on the abuser.
Difficulty trusting others: After experiencing narcissistic abuse, victims may struggle to trust others, fearing that they will be betrayed or manipulated again. This can lead to difficulties forming and maintaining healthy relationships.
Self-blame: Victims of narcissistic abuse may internalize the abuser's criticisms and blame themselves for the mistreatment they endured. This self-blame can perpetuate feelings of shame, guilt, and worthlessness.
Physical health effects: Chronic stress from narcissistic abuse can take a toll on physical health, leading to symptoms such as headaches, digestive problems, sleep disturbances, and weakened immune function.
Repeating patterns: Without intervention and healing, victims of narcissistic abuse may unknowingly repeat patterns of abusive relationships in their future interactions, perpetuating a cycle of abuse.
Difficulty setting boundaries: Narcissistic abuse often involves boundary violations, leaving victims with difficulty establishing and enforcing healthy boundaries in their relationships.
Loss of identity: Narcissistic abuse can strip victims of their sense of self and identity, leaving them feeling lost, disconnected, and unsure of who they are outside of the abusive relationship.
All of this seems like fiction when you read it. But to see and experience this is a different feeling altogether. When the realisation hits, you are mind blown. But what do you do with this knowledge? The next logical answer, of course, is healing.
Healing From Narcissistic Abuse.
I was amazed to find a plethora of content about healing from narcissistic abuse on Instagram. Big accounts dealing with this exact issue have been doing god’s work by sharing knowledge on this topic. What are the steps towards healing?
There are many articles like these which go deeper. The simple task is to disconnect and rebuild yourself. Don’t think of any good memories with the person. It was part of the abuse cycle anyway. That is the shit that set you up. It’s also important to feel your emotions deeply and acknowledge the damage done.
After almost half a day of research on the topic, I must say that narcissism is as dangerous as cancer. I want to eliminate even minor tendencies that I have to be a good human being. And I will actively ignore or sideline narcissists from my life.