Learnings about love
Updated note to my framework
[ Additional note: This sounds like a very rational note to self but I must admit the experience of love is anything but rational. It is the most irrational feeling one can ever feel. I would take all the notes I’ve written in this post with a large sack of salt because nothing makes sense when I remember the people I’ve loved.
There is just grief and sorrow. Quite often there are tears. But we somehow power through these emotions with hope and bravery. None of these points were targeted at any of my past love interests. ]
I have probably suppressed my craving for love for a long time. I’ve stumbled and made errors on the way. But I have kept on learning. Maybe it’s a good opportunity to update my thoughts to some extent.
The Old Framework
Earlier I had a few traits in mind that I would prefer in a good partner.
Growth mindset: someone who is compassionate towards their and others’ flaws and hopes that everyone can become better and change. Without this, my flaws and their flaws become huge barriers.
Good communicator: someone who can communicate one’s needs and opinions without being hurtful or shy.
Fights well and resolves issues: mistakes can happen in any relationship. One should be willing to sit down and resolve rather than make the partner feel perpetually guilty.
Inherently happy: one should be happy with one’s life situation. Otherwise, a person might seek happiness via a partner and end up with bad or suboptimal choices.
Appreciates me for who I am: there must be a basic level of admiration for my personality.
A person who is well-read to some extent: reading expands one’s worldview and makes for interesting discussions. I would love to have that as a constant in my life.
Willing to spend quality time with me: I need to spend quality time with a partner at parks, concerts, and restaurants. It could be any activity that either of us enjoy.
Updates based on recent experiences
Of course, not everyone may fit into this framework, but having at least 5-6 traits is a must. Among these, I did not know which could sway me the most, but of late, I have realised that spending quality time has topped the charts. The deal breaker, however, is the ability to fight well and resolve conflicts. Without this, everything breaks.
But I am also willing to cross out a few things that don’t matter. Being inherently happy is a very big ask. Happiness depends on many external factors. Maybe I, as an individual, have been well-endowed and lucky. It may not be the case with my partner.
Also, the well-read part is not a deal breaker or a significant indicator of long-term compatibility. It is just a good-to-have trait and does not need to become a significant part of the equation.
I thought loyalty was a given, but it must go right into the list. It’s not just physical loyalty (i.e. sexual relations) but emotional loyalty that I seek.
Are they with me emotionally at that very moment? Have they healed their past wounds and stepped into my heart completely? Is there space for me in their heart? This is a deal breaker.
Blatant lying to parents and their demonisation is another red flag I would not support. Sometimes, it might make sense (for a woman who stays out or someone with a very bad childhood). But significant things must be transparent. For example, I have told my mother the truth whenever a question has been asked. And she’s aware that I am trying to find a partner on my own.
The new framework
So here goes my updated list
Growth mindset: someone who is compassionate towards their and others’ flaws and hopes that everyone can become better and change. Without this, my flaws and their flaws become huge barriers.
Good communicator: someone who can communicate one’s needs and opinions without being hurtful or shy.
Fights well and resolves issues: mistakes can happen in any relationship. One should be willing to sit down and resolve rather than make the partner feel perpetually guilty.
Appreciates me for who I am: there must be a basic level of admiration for my personality.
Willing to spend quality time with me: I need to spend quality time with a partner at parks, concerts, and restaurants. It could be any activity that either of us enjoy.
Loyal: This covers both physical and emotional loyalty. She has to be there for me in flesh, blood and thoughts.
Truth-teller: she should be brave enough to tell the truth to parents, friends and other close people in her life. Because if she’s persistently lying, the same might happen to you as well.
This time, I shall not stumble. I will make better choices.
Anyway, if god has not bestowed the gift of love on me, I should not fight with her. Let me enjoy the other fortunes that have come my way.