Comparison / Competition

Exploring the wounds of my inner child

My therapist asked me to explore the unmet needs of my ‘inner child’ to understand myself (and my patterns) better.

The concept of the "inner child" in psychology refers to the idea that within each adult, there is a part of them that retains the emotional and psychological characteristics of their childhood self. This concept is often associated with therapeutic approaches that aim to address unresolved issues and traumas from early life. (Source: ChatGPT)

I made a list of things, but one that stood out was “lack of reassurance”. The spillover effect was my lack of self-worth and the desire to feel worthy by doing something/winning something.

I remember my mother always comparing me to a cousin who was supposed to be far better than me in taking responsibility and adhering to his parent's words. I always felt small when this happened. I responded, “Why don’t you adopt this guy?”.

But the core wound that was inflicted due to this conversation was far-reaching. I became adamant about proving my worth everywhere. I felt responsible for the lack of worthiness in my mother's eyes.

I went around seeking this reassurance of being worthy everywhere. Academics was the key battleground where it was partly met. Being the favourite of teachers partially addressed this need, apparently not enough.

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While driving to the office this morning, I listened to this podcast episode, which made me think further along these lines.

It reminded me of several instances where I decided being competitive was the only way out of a situation. Proving that I am worthy when there was no need to do so became a default option in some scenarios from my past.

When I finally started dating and encountered the same situation, I responded in a similar manner. The person I loved so much told me she was seeing two other guys and would pick the best. This told my inner self that I had to be the best and prove it. In reality, there was no need to prove anything. I was supposed to be myself or walk out of this competition.

She defended this idea by mentioning that she was doing it because her parents pressured her to get married, but she also wanted to explore options. While it might have been a fair idea, it did not work for me. I needed the safety of being the only guy in her life. Instead of communicating this need, I decided to be competitive. This pattern has repeated many times.

The pain of being an option is another core wound that my inner child still suffers from. It deserves an entirely different post.

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Back to the topic, self-worth should not be attached to external things. We should value ourselves for the good in our bosoms. Competition has its place. Self-improvement is a process that should be detached from competition and the sense of self-worth.

This is a massive breakthrough in healing my inner child and his wounds. I need to tend to this wound carefully and never force myself to prove my worth to someone.

I am enough. I don’t need to compare myself to others or outdo them. What I am today is good enough. I am not in any race, and I am walking my path. Saying this more often and feeling good about myself is the first step in healing this wound.