Carnatic Cafe / Children
An important public journal entry
This might seem like a public journal entry. Probably it is. But, I felt it should be a helpful guide to those who face similar struggles in their interaction with people (as friends or potential romantic partners).
After analysing a series of thoughts I could sum up my conclusion in a single line.
Concurrence is great, but understanding is the bare minimum.
But what were these thoughts and how does this relate to the title of this post anyway? Good question.
Preference and Desire
When I processed my feelings around failed relationships (both friendships and romantic ones), I realised that there was a key factor that was missing.
That I was often more invested and the other person was not. They were always able to defend their boundaries but I was not.
It seemed as if I had no preferences or desires for myself in these equations. I ended up complying to the requirements of these toxic friends or partners.
Eventually, I started asking myself — what’s the value that this person is adding as a friend or partner? How are they showing that they are as invested as I am? It’s hard to tell.
So, I came up with two litmus tests or indicators to find out the answer.
[Preference] Taste in food
Do they appreciate Carnatic Cafe as much as I do? Initially, I phrased it crudely as a demand — “They must appreciate food at Carnatic Cafe”. This has a dictatorial tone to it.
It was my way to reclaim boundaries that I had ceded in the past. But I now understand it can be kinda repulsive.
Anyway I would still want to spend some time with the friend or partner at Carnatic Cafe. I love this place because the food here is very close to that in Bengaluru restaurants (and my own home).
I don’t miss home as much because of the dishes served here. Even if the person doesn’t love the food at Carnatic Cafe, they should at least recognise why I like it so much.
I decided that this would be a litmus test to figure out whether a person is good enough to be in my universe in any capacity.
[Desire] To build a family
If someone did pass the first test, and that person was a woman with whom I saw potential for a relationship, I felt that she should be someone who would want to build a family with me.
The desire to have my own family probably stems from the terrible one I had during my childhood. Maybe that’s my way of compensating for what I was missing. So, it’s a primal need for me to not only be a partner but also a dad.
I do feel that my child must have my genes and blood. But I don’t think that’s a major factor. Adoption can also be a good way to achieve the same result, though I am not sure about legal procedures and emotional compatibility with a child born to someone else.
So these are my needs. I am finally able to articulate what I want. They are neither unreasonable nor unnatural. Of course a friend can’t meet the second need. But at least the first need is something both friends and partners can meet.
Understanding
The ability or desire to understand another person is a rare trait. That’s because we are often submerged in our own universe and often prioritise our own needs.
This self-obsession often clouds the desire to understand where the other person is coming from. It’s hard for many of us to pause and ask the question — why are they saying this or why are they making these choices?
I feel it’s really essential to have a meaningful friendship or a relationship. During the past few months, I have made significant attempts to understand people around me.
America Will Invade My Plate
During my conversations in the past, I realised that many individuals I spoke to were kinda able to pass the first round. They were able to appreciate the food at Carnatic Cafe.
But they were not able to understand why I was obsessed with it. Maybe they were able to appreciate it as a tangential thought. But mostly, they were just amused.
The second subset of this group who didn’t like the food were almost always stuck on their own viewpoint.
Oh it has too much oil/ghee. I didn’t like it.
One of them made weird faces while eating. Others mentioned about oil/ghee only later. This indicated that they were incapable of communicating their thoughts and needs.
Let’s say you had one bad experience with excess oil/ghee at a restaurant (or you already knew about it). You can always tell the waiter to ensure less oil/ghee the next time. If the chef/restaurant doesn’t comply then you can claim that the restaurant is a truly shitty place.
Let’s Save the Planet
Now about the second question.
I am yet to meet a person who said they’re excited to have kids in future. Maybe that’s a thing these days. The best response was ‘adoption’ (which is kinda decent).
The whole lecture around ‘saving the planet’ is kinda sanctimonious and annoying. I can understand that we face global warming and other pressures from a resources POV. But the human race has almost always found solutions to it.
Maybe climate change is something which is gonna kill us. Then so be it. One less kid will not change that outcome. I think those who take this moral high ground are either finding an intelligent escape route or they truly believe that their individual ‘contribution’ is going to help.
It is easy to get the vibes of the former category. But latter category is so absorbed in their own world that they have no space to understand why I want to have a family with children. Nobody ever asked me why I wish to have kids.
That either indicates a collective drop in EQ. Or, most of the people I met thought that they could do better and didn’t bother to know me in the first place.
On the other hand, I’ve made genuine attempts to find why this other person doesn’t want children. More often than not, they have a line of argument that doesn’t stand the test of logic. I have never heard an honest answer to this question, which indicates that the person is either confused or dishonest.
Double Negative
Let’s say a friend/date didn’t concur with me on both points (i.e. Carnatic Cafe and Children). But we somehow feel that our equation is brilliant otherwise. In that case, shouldn’t there be a clear and honest understanding of the reason for disagreement?
I’m yet to see that kind of maturity. Or maybe I’ve not met a friend or potential partner who wants to know more about what I want.
It sounds bleak.
But at least I know what I want and I believe I deserve these things. That’s a good start.
The Point?
The whole point of this post is to tell the reader that they might have desires and dreams. And not everyone might agree and endorse them.
But, people who hold important positions in their lives should at least try to understand why you have those desires or dreams.