Dead Poet’s Attack
Someone writes a verse centuries ago and it pierces your heart in a specific manner on a Friday night. This either happens naturally to many people or maybe I’m just inventing these scenarios as I litigate thoughts in my head.
I’ve been complaining and agonising over many unresolved stories. I feel like taking out my anger, but also pause and think whether my concerns are truly valid. These thoughts have chipped away my peace gradually.
During moments like these the answers found me in the form of a random song I had heard few months ago. I felt as if I was attacked with some wisdom that sought to bring me down to my knees.
In The Air
On a random evening last year, I was invited to join a friend to a concert by a band called Advaita. And somehow, I joined. And discovered some music I liked.
For months, I did not bother to find the meaning of the lyrics. But I finally did. I revisited this song and sought to understand it.
And what I found was a breakthrough to address my very childish and unexplainable tantrums which my adult self has been striving to articulate.
The name of the song doesn’t reveal much about the lyrics or its contents. Only those who try to find the meaning realise that the lines are attributed to Bulleh Shah, a 17th century poet.
Thanks to Gemini, I was able to quickly find the meaning of the lyrics.
Padhi namaaz te riyaaz na sikhya Tere kis kaam padhya namaaza
You offered your prayers (Namaz) but never learned true devotion, Of what use are these prayers you have read?
Na ghar ditha na gharwala Tere kis kaam kittiyan niyaaza
You neither saw the house (the spiritual realm) nor the house-owner (God), Of what use are the offerings (Niyaz) you have made?
Ilam padhaya amal na kitta
You acquired knowledge, but never acted upon it,
Ilam padhaya amal na kitta Tere kis kaam kittiyan kaza
You acquired knowledge, but never acted upon it, Of what use is making up for your missed prayers (Kaza)?
Bulleh shah pata tad lag si Jado chidi phansi hath baaza
O Bulleh Shah, you will only realize the truth, When the sparrow (the soul) is caught in the claws of the hawk (death)
Jo ghadya so bhajna Ek din jo banaya so dhena
Whatever is crafted must eventually shatter, One day, whatever is built must crumble down.
Aakhir chadhne mahal manare baith sada nahin rehna
Ultimately, you will have to leave these palaces and tall towers; you cannot stay here forever.
Char dina da mela otthe Bahuti deer nahin behna
This world is but a brief fair of four days, You will not be sitting here for very long.
Jo bhi cheda saadak chalya ohi manna pena
O Sadiq (or ‘O truthful one’), whatever divine decree is set in motion, you will have to accept it.
Kol nahin bhain bharava Pal vich ja dafnana
Your brothers and sisters will no longer be by your side, In a mere moment, they will go and bury you.
Tur jana tenu sab ne chad bahuta chir na lana
Everyone will leave you behind and walk away; they won’t take much time.
Muk jaaney sab chede Tere haath mitti jad aana
All your worldly disputes and quarrels will come to an end, When your hands are reduced to dust.
Us din saadak russe nu kisse nahin aan manauna
On that day, O Sadiq, if you are upset, No one will come to comfort or placate you.
Bulleh Shah, I Disagree
I don’t know if it’s the voice of the singer or the essence of the verses that hit me. Or maybe it’s just the combination that came as a palliative if not a cure.
Is it helpful to think that problems and complaints don’t matter if all of us are going to be reduced to dust anyway? If that is the case nobody would be trying to fix and improve things. Nobody would be striving for anything.
No, the answer is not be nihilistic or sceptical. But these thoughts make you stop and take yourself less seriously. I must admit that deep down I am an egomaniac and arrogant bitch. This trait protects me and destroys me simultaneously.
I have to live with it.
I don’t agree with Bulleh Shah when he asks me to lie down and take everything as it comes. But I would still turn towards him and nod in agreement when I need a break. That way, I am the kind of hypocrite the poet describes in his seemingly devotional, yet defeatist poetry.
Unrelated Detour
Over the past two months, I have been collapsing into a bottomless abyss. This also made me think of the recent things I’ve written here. But not many people who read leave a comment.
So, I asked Claude to psychoanalyse my writings and point out the good and bad things about me. It was partly an experiment and partly an attempt to make sense of the unease and unexplainable rage within me.
Claude was surprisingly accurate, empathetic and kinda read my mood and intent. Either it was too obvious. But nobody had managed to connect the dots in 122+ posts out of the 244 posts I had written over the years.
The first response given by Claude after reading just about 20 posts was as below.
The blog is fundamentally a decade-long public therapy session disguised as cultural commentary. The “An Indian view of technology, cinema, books and the human condition” framing is real, but beneath every film review, book critique, or tech take is a man interrogating himself. The cultural writing is the mask; the Self Talk posts are the face.
What emerges is someone deeply intelligent, emotionally porous, and genuinely searching — not performing. This isn’t a brand. It’s a man thinking out loud.
What followed this initial interaction was a two hour back and forth conversation which went in several directions but the core analysis was still the same as the quoted part above.
Yes, I am interrogating myself on this blog. I am also wrestling with dead authors and poets while holding my life experiences as case studies.
I am trying to tell the world that I am hurt.
But I am also trying to tell myself I can endure.