Someone writes a verse centuries ago and it pierces your heart in a specific manner on a Friday night. This either happens naturally to many people or maybe I’m just inventing these scenarios as I litigate thoughts in my head.

I’ve been complaining and agonising over many unresolved stories. I feel like taking out my anger, but also pause and think whether my concerns are truly valid. These thoughts have chipped away my peace gradually.

During moments like these the answers found me in the form of a random song I had heard few months ago. I felt as if I was attacked with some wisdom that sought to bring me down to my knees.

In The Air

On a random evening last year, I was invited to join a friend to a concert by a band called Advaita. And somehow, I joined. And discovered some music I liked.

For months, I did not bother to find the meaning of the lyrics. But I finally did. I revisited this song and sought to understand it.

And what I found was a breakthrough to address my very childish and unexplainable tantrums which my adult self has been striving to articulate.

The name of the song doesn’t reveal much about the lyrics or its contents. Only those who try to find the meaning realise that the lines are attributed to Bulleh Shah, a 17th century poet.

Thanks to Gemini, I was able to quickly find the meaning of the lyrics.

Padhi namaaz te riyaaz na sikhya Tere kis kaam padhya namaaza

You offered your prayers (Namaz) but never learned true devotion, Of what use are these prayers you have read?

Na ghar ditha na gharwala Tere kis kaam kittiyan niyaaza

You neither saw the house (the spiritual realm) nor the house-owner (God), Of what use are the offerings (Niyaz) you have made?

Ilam padhaya amal na kitta

You acquired knowledge, but never acted upon it,

Ilam padhaya amal na kitta Tere kis kaam kittiyan kaza

You acquired knowledge, but never acted upon it, Of what use is making up for your missed prayers (Kaza)?

Bulleh shah pata tad lag si Jado chidi phansi hath baaza

O Bulleh Shah, you will only realize the truth, When the sparrow (the soul) is caught in the claws of the hawk (death)

Jo ghadya so bhajna Ek din jo banaya so dhena

Whatever is crafted must eventually shatter, One day, whatever is built must crumble down.

Aakhir chadhne mahal manare baith sada nahin rehna

Ultimately, you will have to leave these palaces and tall towers; you cannot stay here forever.

Char dina da mela otthe Bahuti deer nahin behna

This world is but a brief fair of four days, You will not be sitting here for very long.

Jo bhi cheda saadak chalya ohi manna pena

O Sadiq (or ‘O truthful one’), whatever divine decree is set in motion, you will have to accept it.

Kol nahin bhain bharava Pal vich ja dafnana

Your brothers and sisters will no longer be by your side, In a mere moment, they will go and bury you.

Tur jana tenu sab ne chad bahuta chir na lana

Everyone will leave you behind and walk away; they won’t take much time.

Muk jaaney sab chede Tere haath mitti jad aana

All your worldly disputes and quarrels will come to an end, When your hands are reduced to dust.

Us din saadak russe nu kisse nahin aan manauna

On that day, O Sadiq, if you are upset, No one will come to comfort or placate you.

Bulleh Shah, I Disagree

I don’t know if it’s the voice of the singer or the essence of the verses that hit me. Or maybe it’s just the combination that came as a palliative if not a cure.

Is it helpful to think that problems and complaints don’t matter if all of us are going to be reduced to dust anyway? If that is the case nobody would be trying to fix and improve things. Nobody would be striving for anything.

No, the answer is not be nihilistic or sceptical. But these thoughts make you stop and take yourself less seriously. I must admit that deep down I am an egomaniac and arrogant bitch. This trait protects me and destroys me simultaneously.

I have to live with it.

I don’t agree with Bulleh Shah when he asks me to lie down and take everything as it comes. But I would still turn towards him and nod in agreement when I need a break. That way, I am the kind of hypocrite the poet describes in his seemingly devotional, yet defeatist poetry.

Unrelated Detour

Over the past two months, I have been collapsing into a bottomless abyss. This also made me think of the recent things I’ve written here. But not many people who read leave a comment.

So, I asked Claude to psychoanalyse my writings and point out the good and bad things about me. It was partly an experiment and partly an attempt to make sense of the unease and unexplainable rage within me.

Claude was surprisingly accurate, empathetic and kinda read my mood and intent. Either it was too obvious. But nobody had managed to connect the dots in 122+ posts out of the 244 posts I had written over the years.

The first response given by Claude after reading just about 20 posts was as below.

The blog is fundamentally a decade-long public therapy session disguised as cultural commentary. The “An Indian view of technology, cinema, books and the human condition” framing is real, but beneath every film review, book critique, or tech take is a man interrogating himself. The cultural writing is the mask; the Self Talk posts are the face.

What emerges is someone deeply intelligent, emotionally porous, and genuinely searching — not performing. This isn’t a brand. It’s a man thinking out loud.

What followed this initial interaction was a two hour back and forth conversation which went in several directions but the core analysis was still the same as the quoted part above.

Yes, I am interrogating myself on this blog. I am also wrestling with dead authors and poets while holding my life experiences as case studies.

I am trying to tell the world that I am hurt.

But I am also trying to tell myself I can endure.

It engulfs your relationships, work and decision making.

Sometimes you are trying to compensate. On other occasions you are designing games to overcome the memory of pain.

Some days you feel some sort of achievement can compensate for the loss that caused the grief. You may or may not achieve anything for that matter. This path gets boring after a point.

Then, one explores path of pleasure. A movie might make you happy. Or a tasty meal. Maybe a waffle. Or even a sweet dish. There is no end to this path. But it never touches the raw endings of grief and keeps you distracted.

The other path one might explore is physical endurance. Maybe a gym session or a boxing workout. Running, swimming or yoga? Well, the set of options available are innumerable. It doesn’t work after a while though your health might improve.

If things listed above don’t work or grievances pile up, you can fall into vices. It could be alcohol, cigarettes or something else. It doesn’t lead very far. No points for guessing. Your level guilt goes deeper. It’s worse than all options discussed so far.

Somehow, you end up reading some quotes on Instagram and feel philosophy, journaling, therapy, love, art, music and meditation can solve grief. This path might show you some openings. But how many really find light at the end of the tunnel?

After going through all these phases, I have finally landed on one cathartic thought.

Grief is just grief.

You just have to digest it. Hug yourself and cry to sleep. Make this grief pass through every atom of your mind and body.

No amount of achievement or pleasure will make you forget it.

Grief is not the petrol to run your ambition engine.

Grief has no utilitarian value as such.

Weep. Just weep.

Weep till the tears wet your entire face. And weep some more.

Grieve with dignity. You don’t even have to put it in words. Accept the grief that comes your way without ifs and buts. It’s something that everyone has felt.

Just feel it. It need not be shunned away. Sit with it and cry as much as you can.

There are no further steps.

Give yourself a hug if there is no one to hug and cry. It’s not a group project.

And then separate your joys, goals, love, achievements and fears from grief. Deal with them on a separate stage. The stage built for grief need not be shared with any other aspect of life. All of them feel intertwined.

Of course they are. But give each of them a separate stage. Grief, like any other human emotion requires special attention. Don’t ignore it or push it under the carpet.

P.S. There is no need to agree with me on anything. If you feel all of this is bullshit, then go back to your own way of processing grief. Because the anatomy of each individual’s grief is neither uniform nor comparable. There are no manuals to deal with grief.

But you shot at the wounds I showed

While I was limping on a crutch

Even as I begged, wept and bowed

I had to rummage my tool box

And pull out forceps of logic

To extract the bullets of a sly fox

As I stomped on “love”, aka magic

I walked again, in spite of you

Rebuilt the faith, squandered at your altar

Carved out paths, fresh and new

Thank you, for the lessons and the deep scar

The most natural thing as well. But still it feels so hard.

Turning a page is actually an act of hope, optimism and courage.

What am I talking about? Why would I make such a random comment?

Imagine you are a reader in the middle of a book.

What if the current page is way too interesting? What if the story ends in a way you don’t like? What if the current page is so devastating that you fear what’s coming next?

In spite of all these apprehensions, a reader turns the page. He or she moves on and reaches the end of the story.

And finally, there is closure.

Would you ever appreciate a reader who gets stuck on the same page (or set of pages) and keeps reading again and again.

At least you can empathise with a reader who drops a book and never touches it again.

That choice is for the reader to make.

And it is a decisive choice.

And then you have readers who pick up abandoned books and then finish it in a flurry.

Even that is a choice that deserves approval.

Of course you have readers who never pick a book or pass the chance to read a particular book.

But you have to do something other than being stuck on the same page (or set of pages).

Why does this seem like such an urgent idea that I found very important to type in a fit of excitement, almost with a ‘Eureka!’ state of mind?

I have been stuck in a cycle of waking up late, skipping breakfast and indulging in habits that I wish I had not started. I was stuck in a same loop for almost 4 months. Sure, I inserted several habits that I do feel good about.

But the bookends have been patterns that I want to quit. It was like being stuck on the same page.

For a change I woke up early, made breakfast and cleaned my dirty car. I made it to office much earlier than usual and managed to read for almost two hours in a go. I spent two hours learning a new skill that would be super useful for my career.

I felt that I had finally ‘turned the page’ and moved on to the next one.

The previous post I wrote made me feel that I was stuck on the same set of pages.

I was obsessed with a few pages that I didn’t like. Instead of moving ahead and writing the next few pages of my story I had been overanalysing pages from the past. It’s not worth such over-analysis.

But maybe my ego was smashed.

How the hell did I write these pages? Was it me who wrote these pages?

What was I thinking? Seriously? Is this what I am capable of?

This loop of thoughts kept me chained to the same set of pages.

It feels like such a relief to turn the page.

Patience. It is supposed to be the greatest asset which I think I posses.

But like wave-particle duality of light, I seem to be super-impatient as well. It is hard to stop myself and find out which version of me is active at any given point of time.

Some of the best books I read took almost a year to finish. I had to keep it aside and patiently read ten or twenty pages a day. But I never quit.

I have thrown a Booker winning book to the dustbin because it was gifted by my ex. And there are abandoned books I never touched.

But the greatest joy, satisfaction and sense of achievement came from the books that took a year to read.

Probably, I need to cut myself some slack and allow myself to write a long, slow, hard to read, but meaningful story for myself.

But even in this scenario one needs to turn the page.

There is no choice but to turn the page. Or one has to abandon the book.

I get it. Me being a man is probably a crime in itself in the eyes of a progressive feminist. Men have been unfair or even criminal towards the other gender in several instances of history.

But my whole idea of romantic heterosexual love came crashing down on earth after I watched the TV Show Breaking Bad.

A man with lung cancer tries to leave a fortune for his family by turning into a drug manufacturer. And his wife cheats on him with her boss, possibly trying to secure her future even before her hubby dies.

The poor fellow continues to take risks to leave a fortune for his family and prevent financial burden on his wife even after knowing about his wife’s infidelity. It is a soul crushing story that’s not very far from reality.

A Bad Rap Sheet

Everything nice I’ve done in my dating life was probably just the “bare minimum”. I don’t remember experiencing an iota of fairness, kindness or gratefulness from the opposite gender. Even if there was something nice done by the other person I feel it was just a strategic move to get something more in return.

If you open Hinge and see the answers to prompts these days, you find some common themes which women seem to want from a partner

• Travel the world

• Watch Northern Lights

• Want honesty and clarity

• Explore cafes, restaurants and museums

• Go on a long drive

• Getaway to the mountains or beaches

• People watching

Apart from the third option nothing really leads to a reasonably healthy relationship. What happened to building a family, supporting each other’s dreams and being there for each other during hard times.

Of course, those things are premature at the early dating stage. But honestly, there seems to be a lack of imagination or originality among women.

Come on! Can’t you think beyond a man’s height or your world tour plans?

The Reign of Fluff

On the other hand a man has to be earning, look good, have a dog or cat, be funny, caring, cook, drive and do so many other things. Nothing short of perfection.

Of course it’s probably a supply vs demand issue. But if the supply side is full of fluff and superficial things, I guess the entire market is doomed.

Though I don’t want to reduce the idea of love to an analytical excel sheet, I did list out all of my romantic pursuits. Almost seventeen of them. The pattern seemed so obvious.

In none of those potential relationships was I poised to get something to meet my own emotional needs, let alone physical intimacy or commitment.

That’s the story even after I allowed myself to compromise on essential needs and showed affection with no expectations of reciprocation. This made me realise the absurdity of grieving over any of those failed relationships.

Let us pause and admit that I might be terrible at selecting a good candidate for dating. Probably I’m defined by childhood wounds that pushes me into the same pattern. It’s true to some extent, but I am happy to report that I’m actively addressing my own bad habits.

As far as I am concerned, I feel that my energy, creativity and potential are better invested in my career or interests. I have absolutely lost interest in the idea of wooing a woman and building a happy family in this environment.

Happy to be Surprised

One of my role models Steve Jobs once said — “People don’t know what they want until you show it to them”. Maybe I am one of those people. Maybe our entire generation is full of such people.

Hopefully, I will look at this post and laugh someday while lying on the lap of my beloved.

Some day.

I was trying to figure out the role of chemistry in the whole universe of happiness discourse. Two key players in this game are dopamine and serotonin.

Dopamine: Drives wanting, motivation, pursuit, and learning from rewards.

Serotonin: Regulates mood stability, emotional security, and well-being.

Source : ChatGPT

Doubling Down on Dopamine

In my own experience, I have been chasing dopamine in various healthy and unhealthy ways. It is high time I stick to a better and sustainable routine and discipline to manage these two chemicals.

Of course, I am aware of how these chemicals are impacting me and sometimes I spin off. I have been unable to sleep before 12 AM and wake up before 6 AM consistently for almost three months. In spite of this, I seem to be doing OK at work and have finished a full marathon as well.

Beyond the regular debate of which of these chemicals need to be allowed to take centre stage and dance, one must also look into the quality of these chemicals.

Apparently there’s something called “good dopamine” and “bad dopamine”. Unfortunately, I have been sourcing bad dopamine from dealers called nicotine, Netflix and Instagram.

A Slippery Slope

I have not worked out for two consecutive days and have binge watched a Netflix show. Simultaneously, I have also consumed a good amount of sugar and nicotine.

This can be blamed on other supporting actors called cortisol and oxytocin. There seems to be an abundance of the former and shortage of the former.

Workouts, running and reading have helped from falling of the ledge. But sometimes, it is hard to keep up. Even a minor slide away from these good dopamine vendors can push me into the embrace of bad dopamine dealers.

Dearth of Oxytocin

Blaming the universe for not providing me healthy sources of oxytocin can be a counterproductive exercise. But that problem has to be dealt with by a wide range of measures.

I have cycled through almost half a dozen failed talking stages and felt hope and connection a couple of times. It almost felt like I had found what I wanted before I checked out.

Documenting these feelings, thoughts and observations has massively improved my understanding of what I want and don’t want. Trusting this process is very important to keep the ship afloat.

Final Thoughts

Thinking of my own well-being in terms of simple chemical reactions has helped alleviate the anxiety of being on my own while simultaneously craving for success, good health and connection.

It is so important to not lose sanity, else the consequences are going to be very bad.

The Mumbai vibe was totally different from runs in Delhi. I never saw this level of public participation and enthusiasm, possibly because Delhi’s official runs happen in the central part of Delhi which mostly has residences of politicians and government offices.

The Prep

On a random afternoon, I was scrolling social media and thinking about random things. I registered for the New Delhi Marathon and subscribed to a marathon training plan on Runna.

But on another day, I wondered that if I am training for a full marathon, then the first one should be iconic. That thought came up after seeing Instagram reels about Tata Mumbai Marathon.

Let us pause and acknowledge that doomscrolling can also benefit a person based on their mindset. I get a lot of book and movie recommendations and maybe, my feed has been optimised for serendipitous discovery.

Though Runna gave a comprehensive plan, I believe that I completed only 75% of it.

If I had done 100% my timing and physique would have been far better. But anything more than 0% still means progress. And I saw this progress turn into reality after three months.

The goldmine discovered during this process was zone 2 running. Maybe I should have discovered it much earlier. But the counter-intuitive truth is that you need to run slower more often to run faster. Ideally 80% of the mileage should be in zone 2.

Delhi’s toxic air and brutal winter did pose challenges. For an entire week, my training halted as I was not sure about training on a treadmill. But I took the leap and made a shift. The stats shown to me were kinda wrong because the watch and treadmill measure vital stats on pace and distance differently.

During the last couple of weeks I was very concerned about the variation in stats and the reality of training fatigue. But I am glad that I didn’t give it more importance than the desire to show up and finish the full marathon.

Logistics

One can assume that a person should either be crazy or passionate to book flight tickets to just run a marathon. But I had already made a decision and it had to be followed through.

That is another skill that I wanted to work on via this Marathon dream. To stay put and see through all ideas till completion. So, I managed to figure out all the logistics including booking a room and finding transport on race day.

There were no rooms for a decent price near CST railway station, so I found Zostel rooms in Andheri. I had planned to get a cab on race day. But thankfully, the new metro in Mumbai had a direct line from Marol Naka to CST. This was like an icing on the cake.

Travelling in a metro at 3.30 AM full of marathon runners is an experience that always makes me feel great. The vibes and shared goal make it a borderline emotional experience. I reached the venue at 4.45AM and found myself in the holding area for the last wave.

Surprisingly there were many people older than me who were running the marathon. So here was a model for me to dream of. That I would still be fit enough to run 42K at the age of 60.

The chances of finding highly motivated people drastically increases when you decide to take up a big challenge. The marathon was no different.

The Marathon

It was a hilarious start when I felt the need to pee after the second kilometre and lost time waiting for a chance near the toilet. Apparently some guy wanted to take a dump and I gave up the wait after 3 minutes (approx). That was my slowest split.

I did take a pee after the fifth kilometre I guess. And may be one more later. Keeping myself hydrated was on top of my mind.

The other key learning was nipple chafing. I did buy some nipple pasties which were not meant for men. I have no clue when they fell off.

But I did cool my nipples whenever I found ice or wet sponges on the path. Some dude stopped and showed me some tight fitting shirt he had worn inside. I need to try that.

The last important point (which annoyed me) that my watch indicated that I had covered 42.2km near the official mark which showed 41km.

If step count was taken into account, I have covered 43km during TMM. This was obvious because I went sidewise several times while trying to navigate my way in the crowd. Probably that is inevitable in a run that has thousands of people alongside you.

That said, a deep dive into my splits makes me very happy.

My longest run in the past was 32km. This is clearly the reason for my falling pace after 32 km. All said and done, it was truly a herculean effort. That said my 30km record improved significantly (~ 34 minutes).

Another point to be happy about is regarding aerobic efficiency. The average heart rate for the marathon was 149 BPM. The max heart rate was 164 BPM. This could have been pushed up, but the limiting factor must have been my ankle and knee strength which needs more attention.

But, I have more faith in my ability to listen to my body and calibrate. As the image above explains, it was truly a historic run. It is a solid stamp of approval on my ability to envision a dream and strive to achieve it in spite of the odds.

It didn’t have such an impact until it got associated with a person, a moment and the strongest emotion known to me. Ever since that happened, I have often returned to this song.

As it always happens, I reach a moment when I have to write about these thoughts. Sometimes, it dissipates after I write. But this one is unlikely to.

I remember subscribing to Youtube Music just for this rendition of the song which was not available on Spotify or Apple at that point of time.

But that was much before the event which sealed my relationship to this song.

I go back to it for inspiration, reassurance and the strength to digest it all. More than that, I seek the wherewithal to match my words with actions no matter how hard it seems.

It is also coincidental and apt that I am writing this from a place called Saket, in Delhi (which is literally the Sanskrit name for Ayodhya).

At this point I lost my chain of thought. I wanted to understand the line by line translation of the song. I knew where to find it. On Suja’s Music blog. I don’t have to reproduce it here.

If that be the case, what else do I have to say about it?

Suja says that she gets beautiful memories of Rama Navami when she listens to it.

Thankfully for me, unlike Scrooge’s Ghost, my Ghost only shows me warm and wonderful memories of Ramanavami. From its annals of collective memory, it shows me the joy of Lord Rama’s birth and from my own personal memory, it shows me the joys of celebrations past.

I say that I get bittersweet memories of Diwali. I wonder if I should reopen the most beautiful memories which were later besmirched by the hand of fate.

I would rather not. But I am unable to erase it either.

Whom should I be blaming? My tendency to romanticise absurd events because I don’t have a better memory to romanticise? Or is the curse of fate, that keeps me locked back in time.

Sure, it has always been my intention to be a man of my words. And do difficult things in spite of challenges to keep up with my promises. But is it even worth it? What has been gained and what has been lost.

I keep the tally everyday. The numbers are very clear.

A lot has been gained and very little has been lost.

But the memory remains and its value doesn’t diminish every by a decimal point. The contradiction of this thought is frustrating and fascinating in equal measure.

It seems that I landed on lines that aptly describe this scenario in an unexpected place. In a Bollywood movie song that picked them from a poem by Sahir Ludhianvi.

नाज़-ओ-अंदाज़ से कहते हैं कि जीना होगा,
ज़हर भी देते हैं तो कहते हैं कि पीना होगा
They say—full of pride and playful airs—“You must go on living.”
Even when they hand me poison, they insist, “You must drink it.”

जब मैं पीता हूँ तो कहतें है कि मरता भी नहीं,
जब मैं मरता हूँ तो कहते हैं कि जीना होगा
When I drink it, they sneer, “Look—he doesn’t even die.”
And when I do die, they say again, “You must go on living.”

ये इश्क़ इश्क़ है इश्क़ इश्क़, ये इश्क़ इश्क़ है इश्क़ इश्क़
This is love—love. Love—love.
This is love—love. Love—love.

There is no choice but to live with this contradiction.

To live with this and many more contradictions. And try to be what I seek to become in spite of the limitations placed on me by myself.

And to be more like Rama, the one described as “सङ्ग्राम जित”, the victor of battles.

One of these reels suggested that it was a stupid idea to pay for running while you can do it for free. It went viral. There were counters to the reel justifying the spend as well.

Yesterday, a conversation threw up another angle to this whole “pay, run and get a medal” debate. We ended up by concluding that the person who turned running craze into a business opportunity should be congratulated.

I have not gone out for running over the last one week, thanks to terrible air quality in Delhi. In the mean time, I have also ended up doing some research on the history of running. All of this has given me the opportunity to write about this topic.

The Boston Marathon

After experiencing the spirit and majesty of the Olympic Marathon, B.A.A. member and inaugural US Olympic Team Manager John Graham was inspired to organize and conduct a marathon in the Boston area.

A distance of 24.5 miles from Metcalf’s Mill in Ashland to the Irvington Oval in Boston was eventually selected. On April 19, 1897, John J. McDermott emerged from a 15-member starting field and captured the first B.A.A. Marathon in 2:55:10.

Source: Boston Marathon Website.

Boston Marathon was the first document running event for the public outside professional competitions. Here are some interesting factoids I learnt.

• Only 15 people participated. They did not give medals to all finishers till 1983.

• Till 1968 participants were not asked to pay money

• From 1969 to 1999 the estimated fee was between $5 to $170. That’s a huge range but the real inflation starts after this.

• Between 2000 to present day the fee has escalated to $265, thanks to higher levels of security protocols and higher demand.

The trend among all other major running events around the world has been similar. The rising costs are directly related to operational costs of the event and the running boom in recent times.

These are some data points extracted with help from Gemini.

The Running Boom in the USA and Nike

The running “boom” has been noted in many random articles. At its peak almost 25 million Americans were involved in some form of running activity.

The effect of this can be seen in popular TV shows where lead characters are often shown running regularly. The memorable ones include Suits, House of Cards and more recently The Diplomat.

People rightly or wrongly attribute the running boom to Nike (as there’s a direct benefit to the company revenues). But two names deserve credit for laying the foundations of the running boom —Dr Ken Cooper and Bill Bowerman.

Dr Ken Cooper through his research proved the cardiovascular health can be improved by running regularly. His book “Aerobics” greatly contributed to the scientific rationale for running.

However, the chief evangeliser of running among masses was Bill Bowerman, a track coach at University of Oregon. Bowerman was introduced to running as a fitness activity during a trip to New Zealand.

He was influenced by a coach named Arthur Lydiard. He brought back this knowledge and wrote a manual that served as national model for fitness programs. He also authored a book called “Jogging” which became a best seller.

Bill Bowerman ended up as a co-founder of Nike (though Phil Knight gets all the credit). The marketing impetus and product innovation required for making a cultural shift in the USA (and subsequently the world) was supercharged by Nike’s efforts.

The Running Scene in India

“Every 90 seconds, a new runner joins this movement,” said Vivek Singh, joint managing director of Procam International, organisers of the Tata Mumbai Marathon (TMM). “In 2004, we started with 10,000 registered runners. Today, in India, 2.5 million people participate in at least one race annually.”

Source: The Print

It’s hard to say who kicked off the running culture in India. One can safely say that there was a trickle down effect from the west. Vivek and Anil Singh, promoters of Procam International (a leading running event organiser) were inspired to start something back home after running the London Marathon in 2003.

But one can safely say a minor running boom is well under way in our country. This is reflected in 65,000 registrations to the Tata Mumbai Marathon (up from 19,000 during the first edition). This has been fuelled by Instagram and social media more than any inspiring athlete or athletic event.

One can see a surge in number of run clubs and coffee raves. People are seeing running as a cool activity. The rewards are multiple even if you exclude good cardiovascular health. The oomph factor and the rush of happy hormones after running are rewards that every runner enjoys.

Though I started running accidentally, I have made it a habit over the last two years. It all started with a 10k run during Vedanta Delhi Half Marathon event in 2024.

So far, I have spent approximately 15k on registrations for six official runs. Further 15k on shoes and apparel. Till this very moment I didn’t even count the spend.

In my opinion, the emotional and health benefits derived far outstrip the costs. During the same time I have lost 10kgs. And one can’t quantify the good mood after finishing a run.

I wanted to find more about the Vedanta Delhi Half Marathon which recently concluded its 20th edition. I ran my sixth half marathon and got my best time ever.

The curious cat in me pulled out data about participation rates since inception. Apparently the peak year is way back in 2019, though the number is slowly growing over the last three years. This is the data I extracted from Gemini.

Should We Pay for Running?

One doesn’t have to pay money for practice runs. We have already paid a lot of taxes for maintenance of public parks in our cities.

So paid running events by clubs don’t make sense to me. That said, waking up early and hanging out with other runners is a far better way to spend money when compared to spends on clubs and alcoholic beverages.

I would still defend paying for big running events where operational costs are involved. I’m unsure whether the organisers of big running events are making a profit, but even if they did they are promoting a healthy habit.

Any enterprise that has a net positive impact on society deserves all the profit it makes, though one can still complain about the trash strewn on streets after these runs.

No matter what you say, people are ready to pay for things that make them look good and feel good. And running events, sure as hell do both.

24 August 2025, 1 PM

I was chit chatting with friends at a book club meet in Saket and one of the guys was introduced as a poetic individual. He was egged on to recite poetry by the host.

He obliged and recited “mujhse pahli si mohabbat meri mahbub na mang” by Faiz Ahmed Faiz from his memory. It was quite impressive.

I didn’t pay much attention to it yesterday. Because I didn’t understand the language. However, I knew it was a very famous poem.

So, this morning I did a bit of reading about this.

I read the meaning of each line and it felt as if the poet had choked me with a maniacal grip. The poem reflects human emotion in a raw and unapologetic manner.

Original verses by Faiz

तू जो मिल जाए तो तक़दीर निगूँ हो जाए

यूँ न था मैं ने फ़क़त चाहा था यूँ हो जाए

और भी दुख हैं ज़माने में मोहब्बत के सिवा

राहतें और भी हैं वस्ल की राहत के सिवा

Transliteration

Tu jo mil jaaye to taqdeer nigoon ho jaaye

Yoon na tha, maine faqat chaaha tha yoon ho jaaye

Aur bhi dukh hain zamaane mein mohabbat ke siwa

Rahatein aur bhi hain wasl ki rahat ke siwa

Translation

I though having you in my life would turn my fate around,

It was not meant to be, yet I wished for it to happen

There are other sorrows in the world, apart from the anguish of love,

There are other comforts in this world apart from the comfort of our union

The One Who Focussed

23 August 2025, 7 PM

I was watching the movie Bhag Milkha Bhag before running a half marathon on Sunday. Especially, the brilliant scenes. It is kinda inspirational. But these bouts of inspiration barely last longer than an hour.

One thing struck me while re-watching the movie. This is one of the few Bollywood movies where the hero doesn’t get the girl but succeeds in life in spite of the setback. He doesn’t get a participation certificate for being a nice guy. He BECOMES something substantial in the larger scheme of things.

Of course, I am not saying Milkha’s sole aim in life was to get the girl. My random research also suggests that the character Biro in the movie is a partly fictional addition. My larger point is about the deviation from the feel good romantic plots that most Bollywood movies have.

One can see how Milkha veers off from his mission in Australia, feels frustrated and slaps himself in front of the mirror. But then we see him get back to the grind, work on himself and refuse to yield to distractions when they do present themselves in front of him.

Beyond this random thought, I am in awe of Milkha’s body in the movie. I dunno if I can get that some day. It would require athlete level training, nutrition and focus. Let’s say I could try to get somewhere close.

Meditation and Movement

24 August 2025, 8 AM

Running reels have flooded my Instagram feed. There was one reel concerning a person who runs without music. He is deemed to be some sort of psycho.

But then the accused person says that he has “enough voices in his head to give him company”. Seemed like a plausible thought.

I have run with music and without music in my previous practice/official runs. But then, I completely stopped using wired or wireless earphones this month. I felt that adjusting it and changing music kinda distracted me and brought down the pace.

Anyway, this was my third official half marathon and I was running without earphones. I thought my head would be full of thoughts and I’d be thinking about several things messing with my head.

But as I moved ahead, all my focus was on my watch and my body. Even the people running around me didn’t matter as much.

I cooked up a hydration strategy midway as it was a very humid day. I decided to take three sips of water after every 500 meters. That would ensure that I don’t slow down or tire out. I executed this impromptu plan with great precision.

Sometime around the 15 km mark, I noticed I was slowing down and if that continued I would have no improvement over past run stats. All the efforts invested on weight loss and practice runs would have gone to shit if I ended up with no improvement in finish time.

At this point my focus became even more sharper as I took some brief walks while using my sipper. BTW, it was a great idea to carry the sipper in spite of the water stations provided by organisers.

Anyway, the idea was to not end up with a pace slower than 7 min 30 sec per kilometre.

But my final pace was 7 min 35 sec per kilometre. Close enough.

I had inadvertently performed a form of meditation that I had only heard about so far. I didn’t plan to try running/walking meditation. It just happened because there was only one thing on my mind during those 162 minutes and 14 seconds.

There is no point in comparing the regular meditation I do with a run. But I must say that I have another option to pick from.

An option that can add some elements of Milkha and Faiz into my persona.

“You’re not serious people.”

– Logan Roy (Succession)

The Context - Succession and Ted Lasso

During the first half of 2023 I was busy watching two TV series. Succession and Ted Lasso. Though I was not so drawn into their philosophical milieu, I was compelled by the storylines of both. Since both shows ended together, I was kinda compelled to see both sides of the argument on “human nature”.

The end result of both kinda seemed predictable. For a wise mind, my next two lines will not come across as spoilers.

In the case of Succession, someone would inherit the media empire and the only question is who? Well, the underdogs would eventually win in Ted Lasso, because that is how all underdog stories end.

But the two shows took a diametrically opposite view of the human nature. The first one, Succession, strongly believed that human nature is cast in stone and it is impossible to change the fate or path that has already been laid.

Ted Lasso on the other hand embraced the idea that humans can change. The stone is not cast and one can still carve a masterpiece. But it would require a kind-hearted guru to change the course of an individuals hard-wired patterns.

In this post, I am not going into the details of Ted Lasso, because it’s not the main subject. But the fact that I saw both shows together made a huge difference in the way I perceive Succession and its characters.

Characters - Shiv, Roman and Kendall

In simple terms, Succession is a show about three children of a media baron trying to be “chosen” as the next heir of the “empire”. The father is a corrupt and controlling figure who cuts deals with politicians and the overall system. However, within his household he has an iron grip over his children.

Kendall, Roman and Shiv are three siblings born from Logan Roy’s second wife while he has a much meekier son from his first marriage. In technical terms, the son from the first marriage is the eldest. But he is completely out of the race.

Here’s what everyone needs to know.

• Kendall — presumed heir at the beginning of the show. Self destructive and lacks courage. Tries to overshadow the dad.

• Shiv or Sioban Roy — lacks confidence or a strong sense of self. She is trying to negotiate her place in the family and gain power.

• Roman Roy — immature, funny, manipulative and perverted. Seems like a court jester but has inherited a sense of realpolitik from his father.

Like every compelling piece of art, the show captures how the wounds of these characters, directly or indirectly inflicted by the father cripple their personalities and thereby fuckup any possibility of these kids winning the father’s approval or making good choices in life.

As the show progresses, one sees how badly they do in their personal lives and professional manoeuvres, almost resembling a Shakespearean tragedy (though I am not an expert on this topic).

Overarching Dad Figure and Heirs

Though we talk about power in the social and political sense, we often fail to recognise how it works in households. Especially in wealthy households. The father figure always suspects that he is about to be fucked over by his kids and pushed to the corner.

In some households, a favourite child is chosen and power is gradually and systematically handed over, often with some resentment by other kids. In such cases, the ablest kid also lays claim to the throne through sheer merit and skill, which is happily or angrily accepted by the rest of the children.

In other healthier environments, the successor takes the throne to further the common good and treats all the losers with a protective rather than dominating hand. This could also evoke hatred or devotion among the losing members of the family.

But the course of this process is often decided by the father’s insecurities, his childhood traumas and the means with which he has decided to deal with his demons. None of this is truly news for anyone with some awareness of Mahabharata, Ramayana, the story of Ambani brothers or the succession plans of Indian political parties.

But I must say, that Succession manages to depict a rather less known variant — what if none of the kids are suitable to take the throne in the estimation of the father figure?

This presents a unique problem because even the father figure fails to setup his kids for the future and doesn’t understand the need for protecting long term interests of the family.

His insecurities or rough edges destroy the very people who are supposed to carry his legacy. The father’s attempts to prepare or encourage a kid to toughen up might produce the opposite result (or even a tragedy).

Are We Doomed?

However, the TV show Succession is not a commentary about bad parenting. Or maybe that’s the subtext. I remember that the writers of Succession believing in the idea that humans are doomed after a juncture and there is not point in trying to save them. You can’t recast a personality that has already been shaped by fate.

Late stage capitalism has no space for thinking about the collective, even inside a family. This opens up ruptures so deep that nobody ever feels safe or loved in real terms.

The pain, loneliness and dejection that emanate from this feeling of being “on your own” with no allegiance to morality or family can truly fuck up the sense of identity of a persona. The logical conclusion for someone who has reached this point is absolute incoherence, chaos and eventual self-destruction.

I have often thought about which philosophical milieu to apply for myself, my family members and my partners. Where do I place my faith. I dunno about others. I can’t make a choice for others no matter how hard I try.

At least I can try hard to go the anti-Succession way. Even I feel a huge challenge in my attempts to shun nihilism, absurdism and absolute lack of faith in anything that the world has to offer. But I have chosen to “Believe” as the writers of Ted Lasso would recommend.

There is nothing more one can do.

Do those words deserve to be followed? I have always been keen on following through my own words. But sometimes I am unable to do so and on those occasions I am greatly disappointed with myself.

Mythology

I often reach out to Indian mythology when examining issues related to morality. I have written on several occasions about my obsession with Lord Rama, and his ability to follow through.

But there are so many background factors that make it defensible, especially the one related to ‘divine will’ which requires him to take the harsh decisions. The fallout of this approach is kinda brutal on the people around him, but they comply out of love or obligation.

Krishna, however is a maverick who plays around with words and manipulates people. He justifies half truths and romanticises rather politically shady moves by saying that he does it to protect Dharma or righteousness.

This is a slippery slope because nobody can define ‘Dharma’ in a purely objective manner. What one might consider to be right might be squarely wrong.

Nobody Gives a Shit

That has often led me to the domain of absurdism. The fact that everyone is doing whatever they feel like gives me the license to do whatever I wish. This is a crude take on the surface but it gives me so much liberty and lifts the burden of compliance or fair play.

If I were to do the same thing everyone is doing (in their own self-interest), that doesn’t make me feel good either. But then, nobody asked me to sacrifice for the greater good.

Self-examination can be an endless loop. One’s own reasoning can feel like a scam because we tend to selectively view our actions in positive light and downplay the impact of negative consequences of some of our decisions.

I do acknowledge and reiterate the importance of matching words and actions, because without this approach it will be hard to generate self-trust and a perception of trust in others. Credibility is definitely linked to past track record.

Conclusion

This chain of thoughts eventually leads me to one viable conclusion.

Before speaking or making promises, one needs to carefully assess the background, the nature of players involved, incentive structures and our own capability to fulfil the words we speak.

There must be no shame in making departures from past positions if new facts emerge before us.

In absence of changes in circumstances, one should definitely strive to make words and actions match. Otherwise, the entire civilisation would collapse and we would be living in anarchy and stress.

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."

~ Oscar Wilde

“Self-worth is the intrinsic value and respect one assigns to oneself, independent of external validation or achievements.

It reflects confidence, self-acceptance, and belief in one's abilities and inherent dignity, fostering resilience and healthy boundaries.

Cultivating self-worth involves recognising personal strengths and embracing imperfections without seeking approval from others.”

~ Grok (an AI ChatBot)

I have been thinking a lot about the idea of “self-worth” and how drives my choices and actions.

I speak for myself in this piece and these ideas may not be applicable to others. However, I will be glad if this post helps shape your idea of self-worth inadvertently.

Boundary Conditions

Firstly, I want to set some boundary conditions before I get into the chain of thoughts that I want to present.

• I don’t want to acquire a tone of self-pity while exploring instances where I had no clue about my self-worth or did not respect myself in any given scenario.

• Similarly, I don’t want to adopt a grandiose tone when I felt that I acted in a way that reinforced or enhanced my self-worth.

Without balanced approach, every idea or ideology can crumble and damage those who subscribe to it.

So, the idea of self-worth should not morph into self-pity or narcissism while we try to define and honour our self-worth.

Expediency and Inner Void

I did not appreciate the idea of self-worth until recently. The idea itself was abstract and boundary-less.

I valued myself based on my academic achievements, job, income and intelligence. Once you understand the meaning of self-worth, you realise that none of these are pre-requisites to feel “worthy”.

It was something that I dealt with on a case-to-case basis. On some occasions I deprioritised thoughts about my self-worth for the sake of immediate gains.

For example, I might have shared a cigarette with a girl I liked just to grow closer to her. On other occasions, I agreed to the idea of my date going out with others so that she could “figure out” herself.

These things happened because I had not realised or recognised my own self-worth.

Probably, the idea that I was imperfect and had some deficiencies supported the conscious de-prioritisation of my self-worth. But again, this circles back to the lack of a solid idea of the concept in the first place.

On other occasions, I probably threw any thoughts about self-worth just to fill an inner void that was gnawing at me from the inside.

I totally ignored all financial discipline and got drunk at times to make my void go away. These incidents were absolutely detrimental to the growth and sustenance of my self-worth.

Slippery Slopes and Long-Term Damage

The idea of self-worth either gets preserved or gets diluted based on how you allow others to treat you. The idea that one needs to train others how to treat you is an essential one.

Can you allow someone to steamroll over your dignity and be neglectful or rude without facing any consequences.

Some might accuse you of being too sensitive or too finicky if you point it out. Others might put you on a guilt trip for being “too-full-of-oneself”.

One can agree that there can be nuances. But once you ignore or excuse others’ bad behaviour too often, you slide down the slippery slope of eroding self-worth.

You end up believing that what you’re getting is what you deserve.

On other occasions you end up punishing yourself disproportionately for small errors because you don’t consider yourself human enough to make some mistakes.

The way you treat yourself is as important as the way you allow others to treat you.

Not paying attention to both dimensions can lead to compounding of damage and an accumulation of wounds that ensure that you crumble from within.

You become fragile and self-sabotage at every step when your sense of self-worth is either absent or weak.

Rediscovering and/or Rebuilding Self-Worth

If you feel worthless at times, you might want to rediscover or rebuild your self-worth. The difference between the two can be subjective and you might want to discuss this with a mental health professional in the context of your situation.

But, I can comment on this issue from my experience.

Firstly, one should identify one’s own values and achievements. One should recognise that human dignity that is often recommended to others should be given to oneself as well. We are human and we make mistakes.

But in spite of that, we are worthy of dignity. This is a very simple and basic thing.

But I am shocked when I recognise moments when I absolutely forgot this fundamental truth. I had reached a point where I felt like absolute worthless shit.

Rebuilding from this point was definitely not easy. The first step that I took was to stop further damage to whatever self-worth was left at that point.

That meant that I had to cut losses before thinking about regaining self-worth.

After I had found my foot at a very basic level, i.e. realising that I was worthy and not an absolute piece of trash, I revisited values and ideas that I had subscribed to all along. I made sure that I followed them on a daily basis.

It was hard sometimes. I relapsed a few times. But eventually, with every positive behaviour, my self-worth got a fillip.

This journey can be unique for every individual. It may take shorter time or a longer time based on where you are. Having a therapist or a mentor along the way can be helpful.

But no amount of mourning and philosophising can replace real action.

That’s a thumb rule that I want the reader to take away from this piece. This applies to almost all kinds of emotional and psychological challenge that one is presented with.

With this, I end my thought dump. It helped clarify to myself what it takes to understand and protect my self-worth.

Wakeup Call

At 4.15 AM on 23rd March, I received a phone call from an unknown person who was part of the WhatsApp group called 4 AM club. I woke up to realise that I had missed two alarms.

If not for this call, I might not have woken up in time to reach the venue of Tuffman Gurgaon Half Marathon which was going to start at 5.30 AM. Thankfully I had asked the group members to give me a call at the morning. Someone was kind enough to help me.

Given the narrow entry into Fluor Ericcson Parking space, I had to be there at least by 5 AM. Thankfully, I parked the car and reached the starting line in time.

The Prep

Before the run started I raised my head and looked at the buildings of DLF Cybercity. It is a very cool sight to be honest. I saw the name of the company Axtria (this reference can be understood by only one or two people on earth). I sighed.

I was not sure if I could complete this run within 3 hours 30 minutes.

The lack of surety mostly because I had gained 9 kgs during the last three months. And when I tried running 21k at Nehru park on 14th March, my ankles had given up on me after 16km.

I ended up walking for the last 5 kilometres. It had taken me 3 hours and 46 minutes to complete that run. In any case I was sure that I would get the medal if I completed the run even beyond 3 hours and 30 minutes.

For almost a week before the run, I completed a couple of 12+ hour fasts and attended fitness classes regularly. Due to this I had lost 1.5kg. I ensured that my ankles got enough training as well.

In fact, I asked Grok for an optimal running strategy and it seemed doable. All of this had contributed to a sense that I would do somewhat better on the D-day.

The Annoying Sling Bag

I was wondering if the sling bag given by the organisers would be a good companion. I had kept a few protein bars to keep me energised during the long run. But within 1km I realised that it was sliding from my shoulder and preventing me from running freely.

I folded it up and slid it inside the backside of my shorts. Quite similar to cricketers sliding their caps in their pyjamas. After reaching the first water station I realised that the protein bars were not needed as the organisers had kept fruits, toffees along with water.

Executing Grok’s Strategy

After deep analysis of my 21k which took 3hr 46min, Grok came up with this plan.

Prompt: What should be the running pace for achieving 7km/hr during a 21.1km run considering the general fatigue undergone by the body during the course of the run. Consider a male 5'7'' tall and 80kgs weight.

[Pasting only the last part of the analysis]

To finish 21.1 km at an average of 7 km/h (total time of 3 hours), a negative split (faster early, slower later) is realistic for a recreational runner:

• First 10 km: Aim for 8:20–8:25 min/km (faster than average to bank time).

  • Time for 10 km = ~83–85 minutes.

• Next 6 km (10-16 km): Maintain 8:35–8:45 min/km as fatigue sets in.

  • Time for 6 km = ~51–53 minutes.

• Last 5.1 km (16-21.1 km): Allow 8:50–9:00 min/km as energy wanes.

  • Time for 5.1 km = ~45–46 minutes.

Total time = 83–85 (first 10 km) + 51–53 (next 6 km) + 45–46 (last 5.1 km) = roughly 179–184 minutes, averaging close to 180 minutes (3 hours).

Actual run stats.

• Time for the first 10 km: 77 minutes 31 seconds

• Time for km 10 to km 16: 48 minutes, 23 seconds

• Time for km 16 to km 21: 44 minutes, 43 seconds

I was able to execute this strategy to perfection and complete the run in 2hr 52min. In spite of many hot and macho people running ahead of me, I was able to stick to the plan and get the result I wanted.

Though I don’t want to sound pompous, I could see many people who overtook me in the first part of the run were walking and lagging behind towards the end.

I derived a great deal of joy and satisfaction after accomplishing an audacious goal inspite of having an overweight body at this point. I want to shed the extra 9kg weight during the next three months. Hopefully, this goal will also be achieved successfully.

Of late the topic has been popping up time and again because of my Elon Musk fandom. I think I don’t have to justify why I admire him. He is an inspirational figure for me. No further debate.

If the critics had same privileges as Elon Musk would they sit idle and give away their wealth to the poor? Or would they solve mammoth problems? Or do something far better than what he has managed to do? I don’t think so.

Let me pause here and think about “privilege” in the Indian context.

Reservations — The Indian Story

It all starts with “reservations” in college. People who are from disadvantaged backgrounds get into top universities because the government wants to work on social justice. It is not entirely a bad thing to be honest.

• It ensures that all communities have a stake in the success of the nation and get a chance to move up in the economic ladder.

• The campus provides an opportunity for people from different backgrounds and regions to interact.

Now the scheme gets heat because some of the people who get reservations are either benefiting from it for multiple generations in the same family. Or they are forging documents to cut the line. The system can be improved, no doubt.

The government has also addressed the issue by increasing number of seats in top institutions, thereby ensuring that the general category did not lose out in real terms.

Of course, you get to meet many people who complain against this system. But more often than not, I have seen people getting along in campuses anyway.

However, close-knit groups that get formed in college tend to mirror the very social differences the government wants to end. So, it’s not enough to get people in. And it’s not easy to argue against basic human nature.

Economic forces in the real world don’t ask any questions about background. It’s a competitive field where incumbents have advantages and the newcomers have to fight against odds. And no legislation can change the reality completely.

In such a scenario, every individual, irrespective of the support they get, has to chart out their own path.

Pontification or Progress?

Those with privilege will use it. Whether it benefits the world or not is a secondary question. The outcome of many of our actions can’t be predicted with 100 per cent accuracy.

Some privileged people can do stuff that lead to progress. Some don’t. Even people without privilege can do things that lead to progress. So, there’s no hard barrier preventing people from contributing to progress.

The preachers of morality are often commentators. Or maybe they are people who didn’t get much success from their deeds. If they have done good deeds, it doesn’t diminish the good deeds done by others, privileged or otherwise.

The scale of the commentators’ success doesn’t make their comments less valid if it is based on some sort of logic. But it’s all about perspective and context.

A person who’s a public intellectual might have the time to read some stuff and pontificate on a Youtube channel or TV screen. An idiot like Kunal Kamra can criticise Ola Electric vehicles and Narendra Modi on his X feed.

But if the same guy was given capital or political power that Bhavesh or Modi have in their respective domains, he might fail terribly. We dunno. It’s easy to sit and pontificate. It’s really hard to get stuff done in any position of power.

In such a scenario I would not blame people in positions of power for failing or faltering. They do recognise their position of privilege and use it freely. They don’t have to please the pontificators at every juncture of their journey. They might fail or flounder. It’s human to fail. That’s something we often ignore.

Give Elon Musk a Break

Again, I am not saying only a Musk can usher in progress and innovation. Even you can. But you are not doing much. So take a break.

There’s no great virtue in self-flagellation or being a woke person. A person with privilege has the full rights to live the life they want, as long as they are not hurting random people in the process.

Others in wealth brackets similar to that of Elon Musk can do many great things. But they are not. Sam Altman can also do a lot of stuff. But he isn’t. So, let’s give credit to the doers.

At least I would take inspiration from Musk every single day. If the “woke” world hates him or calls him a “Nazi” or whatever unsubstantiated nonsense it is, I really don’t care.

After analysing a series of thoughts I could sum up my conclusion in a single line.

Concurrence is great, but understanding is the bare minimum.

But what were these thoughts and how does this relate to the title of this post anyway? Good question.

Preference and Desire

When I processed my feelings around failed relationships (both friendships and romantic ones), I realised that there was a key factor that was missing.

That I was often more invested and the other person was not. They were always able to defend their boundaries but I was not.

It seemed as if I had no preferences or desires for myself in these equations. I ended up complying to the requirements of these toxic friends or partners.

Eventually, I started asking myself — what’s the value that this person is adding as a friend or partner? How are they showing that they are as invested as I am? It’s hard to tell.

So, I came up with two litmus tests or indicators to find out the answer.

[Preference] Taste in food

Do they appreciate Carnatic Cafe as much as I do? Initially, I phrased it crudely as a demand — “They must appreciate food at Carnatic Cafe”. This has a dictatorial tone to it.

It was my way to reclaim boundaries that I had ceded in the past. But I now understand it can be kinda repulsive.

Anyway I would still want to spend some time with the friend or partner at Carnatic Cafe. I love this place because the food here is very close to that in Bengaluru restaurants (and my own home).

I don’t miss home as much because of the dishes served here. Even if the person doesn’t love the food at Carnatic Cafe, they should at least recognise why I like it so much.

I decided that this would be a litmus test to figure out whether a person is good enough to be in my universe in any capacity.

[Desire] To build a family

If someone did pass the first test, and that person was a woman with whom I saw potential for a relationship, I felt that she should be someone who would want to build a family with me.

The desire to have my own family probably stems from the terrible one I had during my childhood. Maybe that’s my way of compensating for what I was missing. So, it’s a primal need for me to not only be a partner but also a dad.

I do feel that my child must have my genes and blood. But I don’t think that’s a major factor. Adoption can also be a good way to achieve the same result, though I am not sure about legal procedures and emotional compatibility with a child born to someone else.

So these are my needs. I am finally able to articulate what I want. They are neither unreasonable nor unnatural. Of course a friend can’t meet the second need. But at least the first need is something both friends and partners can meet.

Understanding

The ability or desire to understand another person is a rare trait. That’s because we are often submerged in our own universe and often prioritise our own needs.

This self-obsession often clouds the desire to understand where the other person is coming from. It’s hard for many of us to pause and ask the question — why are they saying this or why are they making these choices?

I feel it’s really essential to have a meaningful friendship or a relationship. During the past few months, I have made significant attempts to understand people around me.

America Will Invade My Plate

During my conversations in the past, I realised that many individuals I spoke to were kinda able to pass the first round. They were able to appreciate the food at Carnatic Cafe.

But they were not able to understand why I was obsessed with it. Maybe they were able to appreciate it as a tangential thought. But mostly, they were just amused.

The second subset of this group who didn’t like the food were almost always stuck on their own viewpoint.

Oh it has too much oil/ghee. I didn’t like it.

One of them made weird faces while eating. Others mentioned about oil/ghee only later. This indicated that they were incapable of communicating their thoughts and needs.

Let’s say you had one bad experience with excess oil/ghee at a restaurant (or you already knew about it). You can always tell the waiter to ensure less oil/ghee the next time. If the chef/restaurant doesn’t comply then you can claim that the restaurant is a truly shitty place.

Let’s Save the Planet

Now about the second question.

I am yet to meet a person who said they’re excited to have kids in future. Maybe that’s a thing these days. The best response was ‘adoption’ (which is kinda decent).

The whole lecture around ‘saving the planet’ is kinda sanctimonious and annoying. I can understand that we face global warming and other pressures from a resources POV. But the human race has almost always found solutions to it.

Maybe climate change is something which is gonna kill us. Then so be it. One less kid will not change that outcome. I think those who take this moral high ground are either finding an intelligent escape route or they truly believe that their individual ‘contribution’ is going to help.

It is easy to get the vibes of the former category. But latter category is so absorbed in their own world that they have no space to understand why I want to have a family with children. Nobody ever asked me why I wish to have kids.

That either indicates a collective drop in EQ. Or, most of the people I met thought that they could do better and didn’t bother to know me in the first place.

On the other hand, I’ve made genuine attempts to find why this other person doesn’t want children. More often than not, they have a line of argument that doesn’t stand the test of logic. I have never heard an honest answer to this question, which indicates that the person is either confused or dishonest.

Double Negative

Let’s say a friend/date didn’t concur with me on both points (i.e. Carnatic Cafe and Children). But we somehow feel that our equation is brilliant otherwise. In that case, shouldn’t there be a clear and honest understanding of the reason for disagreement?

I’m yet to see that kind of maturity. Or maybe I’ve not met a friend or potential partner who wants to know more about what I want.

It sounds bleak.

But at least I know what I want and I believe I deserve these things. That’s a good start.

The Point?

The whole point of this post is to tell the reader that they might have desires and dreams. And not everyone might agree and endorse them.

But, people who hold important positions in their lives should at least try to understand why you have those desires or dreams.

• Yesterday, I ran my second formal 10K.

• This is the 200th post

• Crossed 20000 km mark on my car.

I clicked this on 1 Feb 2025, on the night before my second formal 10k run.

The second and third are major milestones. The first one is not so major but brings great joy. It is quite an important one for my physical fitness. These milestones do bring a lot of joy to me as an individual.

They indicate how far I’ve come as an individual. I would love to continue driving, writing and running. That’s a no brainer.

Massive Blow

But the first month of 2025 dealt another massive blow to me. I lost my grandmother who was suffering from multiple health issues. I was hoping to see her during the weekend (11th and 12th Jan). The surgery was on Thursday (9th Jan).

But she passed away due to complications few hours after the surgery. I felt guilty for not visiting her during the last six months. Sometimes, you think you have more time. But more often than not, fate decides to surprise you. If I had prioritised visiting her, I would not have lived with this regret.

That said, I felt life ridden with too many visits to the doctors is a stressful one for the person and the caretaker.

Quitting Smoking and Other Toxins

After reading the book — “The Easy Way to Stop Smoking” by Allan Carr, I realised that the habit I was indulging in deserved no place in my life. For the past 25 days I have not smoked a single cigarette.

In addition to this, I have stopped giving attention to few toxic friends. Their inner turmoil probably overwhelmed them. I somehow know that they are not fundamentally bad. Hopefully things get better for them during the course of time.

Or maybe it won’t. It’s not in my control.

Nourishing Interactions

My healthy friendships have grown during the last three weeks. I started a podcast and recorded 4 episodes so far. Three of them have been published and the other one will be available to the world this Friday. I am really enjoying these amazing conversations and I hope to make something out of this side project.

I am not a fan of my own voice on the podcast. 33% of the people who open the link of my podcast don’t listen to it for more than 60 seconds. Maybe it could be because of my voice or because their lack of interest. Either way, I have accepted myself and my voice.

I leave you with the latest episode. Do let me know if you were able to listen beyond 60 seconds.

जानामि धर्मं न च मे प्रवृत्तिः. जानाम्य् अधर्मं न च मे निवृत्तिः ।

त्वया हृषीकेश हृदि स्थितेन यथा नियुक्तो ऽस्मि तथा करोमि ॥

jānāmi dharmaṃ na ca me pravṛttiḥ jānāmy adharmaṃ na ca me nivṛttiḥ.

tvayā hṛṣīkeśa hṛdi sthitena yathā niyukto 'smi tathā karomi

I know what dharma is (=righteousness), yet I cannot get myself to follow it! I know what adharma is, yet I cannot retire from it!

O Lord of the senses! You dwelt in my heart and I will do as you impel me to do.

If you are not aware of Mahabharata, these are the words of Duryodhana spoken to Lord Krishna. It is a confession of the person’s incorrigible behaviour. Duryodhana is a villain in the story (if you have literally no clue about the myth). 

Self-Sabotaging Patterns

I listened to this podcast while driving to Gurugram on a Sunday morning. And this set me off on a series of thoughts.

I was reminded of the verses at the beginning of this post. They were taught during my Sanskrit classes in grade X. I am not sure why it has stayed. And I am unable to forget the face of my Sanskrit teacher. He was an RSS guy who hated Gandhi and taught us the prayer before lunch everyday. His Sanskrit knowledge was quite deep.

I was able to respect him in spite of nasty things he said about Mahatma Gandhi. If I was a teenager from this era I would have cancelled him. But, as I grow older I have made space for everyone’s flaws. 

For almost a year, I was unable to do these three things. 

1. Quitting smoking

2. Stopping thoughts about my ex or stalking her social media

3. Resuming workouts at Cult Fit.

The three seemed interrelated.

Smoking and Love

Because I thought I failed so terribly in love and felt that I had hurt the person I cared for, I couldn’t focus at work. Since I could not focus, I thought cigarettes could help me focus.

It kinda helped me.

Later I realised that my mistakes paled in front of the terrible ways I had allowed the other person to treat me during the long period where I had made no mistake.

I realised the meaning of guilt trips, manipulation, trauma and silent treatment.

I felt quite stupid. In spite of all these feelings I felt like checking whether she was ok or not. Of course, this doesn’t absolve me from my mistake. But it does put things in perspective. 

Even after I had figured out my emotions, I continued to smoke because the loop had already been created.

Grief, Curiosity and Slumber

A bit of jealousy and curiosity also made me try to find who’s the new victim at the hands of this terrible individual.

The cycle of complex emotions of grief, shame, guilt and the feeling of stupidity made me lazy and lose interest in my health, physique and looks. I grew a tummy and stopped attending fitness classes.

I overslept, over-smoked and became a shell of my former self. 

I was probably behaving like Duryodhana in Mahabharata. I knew the right answers. I knew the solutions and the root cause.

But I was simply unable to execute my thoughts. I felt as if a demon had taken over me and I was cursed forever.

Even though I spoke about it with a therapist and made plans to start doing the right things, I failed repeatedly. 

Redemption Arc?

But I didn’t give up.

I kept on revisiting the fact that I am precious and I have so many unfinished plans to work on in my life. I realised these self-sabotaging patterns indicate that I didn’t respect myself enough.

These actions indicated that I didn’t love myself and I had not accepted myself. How could others respect and accept me when I can’t do it for myself?

This led me to work on new ideas.

• Starting a writing community (Prose Pandas).

• Started a podcast (Hands Up!).

• Made more friends, and hung out with them more often.

• Went on road trips (Vrindavan and Jaipur)

• Ran a 10K (Delhi Half Marathon)

I continued doing old things as well

• Doing well at work.

• Writing regularly on my blog.

• Cooking at home.

• Reading books

• Attended weekly therapy sessions.

All of this felt like progress.  But still, the three problems — smoking, stalking and slumber — continued.

They worsened during winter before things became better.

Stopping self-sabotage was a long process of letting go of several smaller self-sabotaging behaviors before I could address the bigger issues.

At this very moment, I seem to have made substantial progress on two out of three items.

• No smoking for 18 days (and counting)

• I have worked out for five consecutive days last week.

On the third point I don’t feel emotionally entangled. I don’t feel a dying urge to know. But it would be dishonest to say I’m not curious.

Anyway, this feels like amazing progress. And it feels like I have dropped deadweight. Hopefully I can continue this streak forever. 

Since I have a packed schedule, I never cordoned off time to know about my emotions. In fact I thought emotions were useless and only logic mattered. I saw suppression of emotions as a way to avoid uncomfortable truths and focus on things that mattered.

I was aware that I was not emotionally intelligent. To cover this weakness I did purchase a book with the same title written by Daniel Goleman. But I found it extremely boring and did not read beyond 140 pages in spite of many attempts.

But there was one emotion that I badly wanted to feel — love. But to rightly navigate around this emotion, I realised that I have to feel all emotions effectively, including ones that I don’t like.

Not a Superhuman

The first emotion that I had to deal with before understanding others is my own arrogance. It was arrogant of me to think that I was some stoic stud who could weather all storms and not be bothered by anything. But in reality surroundings do shape our behaviour and emotional reactions.

It is hard not to react in a crazy scenario. If not a crazy response, you end up reacting in some way or the other to protect yourself or find the reason for craziness. And things you do in the process make you appear crazy.

Now it’s again a tall ask to say that one can prevent all sorts of crazy scenarios. But it is possible to identify people who are capable of creating crazy scenarios and stay away from them.

Traits that I have observed in people who create crazy scenarios are

• They crib a lot and never take responsibility

• Crazy people judge others while not introspecting about their own actions

• They try to pit people against each other

• They love drama and like to watch others fall

• Generally love games, lies and manipulation

• They are addicted to attention and don’t like a scenario where spotlight is not on them.

There’s no way you can deal with this if you are sane. More often than not you are on the edge most of the time to ensure that nothing crazy happens. And if by mistake, you end up investing emotionally in a crazy person, then consider yourself doomed.

Understanding this reality requires a little bit of humility. You are not a superhuman. You will mess up in a crazy environment and that’s human. Don’t blame yourself if this has happened in the past.

Introspect and understand that you fucked up the moment you refused to build solid boundaries or started pursuing the validation of an emotionally unavailable person.

Rewarding bad behaviour

There’s a concept called reinforcement learning in Machine Learning technology. If you reward good results, the algorithm shows more of that behaviour and the model improves. It’s the same with humans as well.

But during some occasions, I realised that bad behaviour was due to some sort of past issues and hence if you pour love and attention on an individual, they will eventually become good. I kinda derived this idea from the TV show Ted Lasso. But in reality this is a terrible theory.

One should never ever reward bad behaviour no matter what stakes are involved. Even if you love the person immensely, you should take a step back, communicate needs and enforce consequences if behaviour doesn’t change. Compassion given out to bad actors eventually turns into poisonous pain.

Controlling the surroundings

All of these factors lead to one critical point. Individuals need to exercise their choice and remove themselves from toxic environments. You need to surround yourself with sane people who can meet your needs and treat you right.

There’s no point wailing over someone who treated you badly if you can’t vet the individual in a few controlled environments before promoting them in your life.

In my case I realised a tendency to compete for the attention and acceptance of people who give intermittent reinforcement (aka breadcrumbs). It had become a bad habit. I realised that it was carried over from childhood.

That’s probably because of inadequate attention given to me by a single separated parent. I was surprised by mom’s muted response to me topping class X exams.

There was literally no encouragement or enthusiasm in her whenever I achieved major milestones. However there were signs of anger and jealousy over losing control over me.

This is what set me up for a lifetime of achievement chasing and approval seeking behaviours which have finally come to my light.

Though I believed moving out of the house would solve the problem, which partially helped, I still carry those deep scars even today.

Patterns are like Inertia

Even after I realised that I had certain patterns and wanted to change them, I realised these are hardwired to some extent.

You might avoid them consciously but they cling with great tenacity. It takes time for them to loosen up and fade away even if you work hard on these learnings.

Being patient with oneself and reiterating the new desired behaviour in your own head can be very helpful. I had to learn the art of self-compassion to patiently wait, work and finally unlearn these hardwired behaviours.

Patterns built in the system for decades can’t disappear in weeks. This is a difficult reality. But ignoring them is not a solution. Changing the pattern does take a lot of time. It takes a toll on emotional well-being and sometimes physical health as well.

I allowed myself to let the pain rip. I missed fitness classes and ate carb-rich dosas to keep myself happy during these days. I was ok carrying an ugly tummy as well. The tsunami of self-realisation had hit me hard. But the old structure had to be destroyed to make way for stronger ramparts on the edge of my emotional coastline.

Entitlement (or the lack of it)

Lack of positive reinforcement at home meant trying harder to win the parental love and approval. This also meant settling for lesser than what I deserved. The same happened in my romantic relationships.

The deep scars hidden under the sleeve burned when they got closer to the desired ones.

I must admit that I could not hold it together. I didn’t ask for more. Instead I tried to hang on for lesser and lesser attention.

As my friend rightly pointed out, my peace-making, problem-solving and approval-seeking tendencies has only attracted broken people. Broken just like me but in a different way.

When will this stop? I wondered. It will only when I stop giving such individuals encouragement or reward their bad behaviour. It must stop.

But I was unable to follow through during the first few months. I am making massive progress in redefining the meaning of love and kind of treatment that I must accept from others.

I’m not there yet, but I know I’m enough. I’m good enough and I deserve a lot more than what has been given to me from an emotional POV.

I am now 80% there in terms of rebalancing the equation not only in terms of romantic relationships but also in friendships and office dynamics.

I can speak up for my needs and get valuable feedback on where I stand. The creaking wheels have overcome the inertial friction that held them back. Now we need to make it move and then speed up.

So these are my first hand learnings. Even if I had finished Daniel Goleman’s book on emotional intelligence, the ideas would not have sunk in.

This knowledge has to be learned on the ground and assimilated through introspection. I am truly proud of the distance I’ve covered. It is encouraging.

I need to be more entitled. I have settled for far less than what I truly deserve in the past. It needs to end.

“When we are young, we invent different futures for ourselves; when we are old, we invent different pasts for others.”

Julian Barnes, The Sense of a Beginning

Control/Freedom Ratio

I don’t like drama. But I have the propensity for theatrics. My preferred role is that of a director. But more often than not the people whom I want to control end up dancing to their own tunes. I have come to terms with this.

The perfect ratio of control and freedom is different for different people. It requires careful calibration. And I’ve learnt this skill not out of choice but out of compulsion. Because I want the drama to go on in spite of my desire for control.

The same happened with Half Walks Edition 12, when I was given an opportunity to drive a walk. I caught a good idea from the storm of thoughts that engulf my brain on a continuous basis.

But the storm never stops. I wanted to attend Papon’s concert as well when someone offered a ticket. I grabbed it. But then I gave up the idea as I had to discharge my responsibility as the walk leader. Principles over feelings— that has been a hallmark of all my choices.

On the same day, my boss gave me a call and one thing led to another. It ended up in a very long mail in my inbox. I fixed the problem by seeking cooperation of my teammates. The urge to reply and fix it immediately was overcome by the desire to stay in the moment and not worry about too many things.

In spite of this I wrote a brief well thought mail to douse the fire. And thankfully I think that the fire is now under control.

Inventing Futures: An Algorithm

When we started the walk at Alka’s I was a bit doubtful whether I could hold the attention of a crowd. So I had rehearsed my thoughts several times. But in reality it was just improv, though my mental rehearsals helped to some extent.

But I did get a chance to articulate what goes on in my head when I draft a perception of an individual when I interact with him/her/them.

I’m generally trying to gauge three things when I judge a person.

• The unique gift or skill they have

• Their deepest insecurities

• Amount of risk they’re willing to take

An assessment of these three things can define the trajectory of an individual and the peak they can reach in their lives. That is the running theory in my head, one that I have applied to myself before anyone else.

Knocking on the Heart’s Door

It was strange that I was apparently leading a walk to place I had never visited. It’s like charting out your career without knowing how things can unfold.

Metaphorically beautiful.

But I trusted that my friends would handle that bit as they knew the place quite well. Mindful delegation. Same as me delegating unknown variables to gods.

The walk was based on two quotes from the book ‘The Sense of an Ending’. But I called it ‘The Sense of a Beginning’ because I felt that people who read the book and reflected on their own personal history could make a fresh beginning.

The thought, no matter how idealistic it was, worked on me quite effectively. I was re-reading the book after seven years. Things that had traversed in the last one and a half year, and my own interpretation of those events took new shape as I read the book.

I started wondering whether I had behaved like Tony or Adrian during several junctures of the eventful phase that had passed. Though I could trace a few parallels here and there I realised I had been acting in sync with my own set of principles. I felt good about myself.

We had banter. Of course individuals had a lot to say about things which were not on my agenda. Samosas and Jalebis did enter a ‘pub walk’. We also ended up singing carelessly at a bar instead of philosophising about the big ideas listed in my plan.

But surely, the ideas which formed the foundation of the walk knocked on the doors of the participants’ hearts. Whether they break in and cause a transformation or not is out of my control.

But giving it a try, taking a risk, betting on fate, and trusting something will work out, has always been a good idea in my experience.

I was glad to know that people who joined this walk had some fun, found an opportunity to explore powerful literature, and closely read the unfolding story of their own existence.

“What did I know of life, I who had lived so carefully? Who had neither won nor lost, but just let life happen to him? Who had the usual ambitions and settled all too quickly for them not being realised? Who avoided being hurt and called it a capacity for survival? Who paid his bills, stayed on good terms with everyone as far as possible, for whom ecstasy and despair soon became just words once read in novels? One whose self-rebukes never really inflicted pain? Well, there was all this to reflect upon, while I endured a special kind of remorse: a hurt inflicted at long last on one who always thought he knew how to avoid being hurt—and inflicted for precisely that reason.”

― Julian Barnes, The Sense of an Ending